Who I really am
by leo2k4u
Summary: After the shooting incident Connors father packs them up and leaves. after two years apart can Jude and Connor pick up right where they left off when he left or has time and distance changed more they thought about each other.
1. Chapter 1

So i haven't written anything in a while, but feeling inspired! first Jonner fic! and if you haven't seen this weeks episode its crazy i don't know how i'm going to wait for next monday!

-  
Prologue

Jude's Pov

`Sitting in the hospital waiting room i felt cold lifeless like i wasn't even really there, like this point in time couldn't possibly be real, like i was living in my own personal hell. My family was all scurrying around me not knowing what to do or how to help. Callie refused to leave my side as if i would crumble the moment she stepped away, the twins sat across from me quiet which wasn't normal for either of them, Moms were going back and forth from talking to doctors and parents, and Brandon was sitting next to his dad. They were all worried and wanted to make sure I was okay. I get that, I do, but I couldn't say a word all I could do was sit there and replay the images of the events of the night in my head. Over and over and over.

I was standing next to Conner angry while the girls were in the other room. I didn't exactly understand why i was angry but I was. It was partially from what taylor had said to me before we came to her dads house. Her assumptions on my feeling about Conner or it might have been the notion that Connor and Daria might have been planning on having sex soon either way i was done with tonight and just wanted to go home. " hey yall two come in here and try this," said Taylor from the other room. "lets go, this is going to be fun," Connor requested flashing that smile of his at me, it was that smile that always made me forget if i was mad at him and just did what he wanted me to.

I followed Connor into the other room where the girls were standing holding a bottle of what looked like whisky. The girls were giggling, Connor couldn't stop smiling, as we all got into a circle to start trying the liquor. Taylor took the first swig like it was nothing, shes probably done this before. Daria took the next drink in rotation an unlike Taylor she looked like she had just taken a swig of gasoline and was about to throw up, I couldn't help but find it amusing at first. Next was Connor and he took it like a champ proceeding to cough a little as he handed me the bottle. I was a little scared at first never having tasted alcohol before in my life and not really sure I wanted to try it to begin with this didn't feel right. I looked over to Connor for reassurance.  
"Go ahead its not that bad," With Connor's approving nod I raised the glass to my lips and began to drink. I didn't quite understand the taste but it was warm and felt like my whole throat was burning as it went down definitely not the funnest thing Connor has convinced me to do as of yet. We were all giggling and laughing when everything was cut off.

"HEY WHOS DOWN THERE!," Taylors father yelled from the top of the stairs.

The next couple of seconds were the longest, slowest, and fastest couple of seconds of my life. Everything happened so fast as it happened but looking back at everything now as it replayed in my head over again on repeat its as if everything was moving in slow motion but there was nothing I could do.

The moment I heard Taylor's father scream from the top of the stairs the bottle slipped from my fingers out of fear. At that point it was as if time had slowed counting down to the moment the glass bottle hit the hardwood floor and shattered. "Lets go!," Taylor spoke with a laugh. We all took off running the second the bottle hit the ground, the girls took off first and I followed right behind Connor. It was in that moment in the hallway when Connor looked back at me laughing and the moment his face changed that I knew Connor had just possibly saved my life. It was quick the shift in Connors facial expression as he looked back at me, his lips began to formulate a word but no sound came out its as if his body was moving on instinct. He pushed me back behind him with in the instant before the fire was shot. In that next instant Connor was on the ground bleeding from his right shoulder area. The next few seconds all became background noise Taylor yelling at her father, Daria screaming hysterically, and Taylor's father freaking out scrambling for a phone repeating slurred apologies. I fell to my knees next to my bestfriend crying trying to hold pressure on his wound like i had seen in movies and tv shows but there was a lot more blood in real life. "why, why did you push me out of the way," I pleaded to him needing to know. "Because I couldn't see you getting hurt again," I wasn't expecting a response or for him to be conscious.  
"Connor i can't lose you, you're my best friend," "You won't Jude, i will always be here to protect you," Connor spoke with a raspy voice and gleaming smile i know was meant to reassure me. With a struggled attempt he lifted his left arm and pulled me in close mere inches from his face.  
"I will always protect you," without a chance to respond I was pulled in to a kiss.  
This kiss wasn't like the others the tent was awkward something new an foreign to both of us, the other day in my room our kiss was in a since out of desperation to understand each other to know who we were, but this time our kiss was different it came from a need that i could feel lingered inside the both of us. It was a kiss i would never forget for the rest of my life.

"Jude, my love," Stef cut me out of my looping trance. "Is Connor okay? Will he be okay? Can I go see him?," I asked three questions with in a second not even giving myself the chance to breathe.  
"Yes baby, Connor is going to be okay I just talked to the doctor and he said that he will be just fine don't worry," "Well then can I go see him?,"  
"Honey, his dads in there with him right now and doesn't want too much commotion right now so he can get some rest," Lena spoke softly with her nurturing eyes. "But i need to go see him! I have to make sure that hes okay," I was easily becoming demanding as the anger began to build up. "I know my love, I know but we can't disrespect his fathers wishes right now," Stef began. "I'm sure he will let him come see you tomorrow, but for now its probably the best bet for us all to go home and get some sleep," Lena sounded hopeful and tired at the same time. "Come on Jude lets go home I'll come up here tomorrow with you if you'd like," Callie spoke gently grabbing my arm trying to ease me out of my seat. "Okay but i want to see him tomorrow," I rose abruptly agreeing while it being the last thing i wanted to do. "Will talk about it in the morning along with your punishment," Stef responded with her hand draped around my shoulder and Lena rallied the rest of the family.

Over the next week I attempted with every chance i could get to go see Connor but they would never let me go back to go see him,  
It was infuriating!  
The nurse told me that his father had specified that I not be allowed to see him. I was in shock and didn't know what to think.  
Did his father blame me for what happened?  
Did his father know about our last kiss?  
Was Connor hurt worse than i thought or i had been told?  
I didn't know the answer to any of these questions circleing around my head, and nobody would give me a straight answer to them either.

An when he was out of the hospital his father blocked every chance as well. I was miserable.

Two weeks since the shooting

"Jude can you come into the living room for a minute Momma and I have something we need to talk to you about," Stef yelled as i was walking through the hallway.  
"Yeah whats going on? any news on Connor yet?," I asked id spent this whole time torturing myself for some kind of information on my best friend. ` "Actually yes honey, can you come sit down," Lena spoke in her bad new voice. "Okay,"  
"So Connors father unenrolled him out of school today,"  
"What! Why would he do that?,"  
"It seems that his father believes that they needed a new start, his father has relocated firms and they are moving,"  
"I can't believe this! he can't do this! Do i at least get to tell my best friend goodbye?," I was in complete and utter shock the tears couldn't help but start to pour.  
"It doesnt seem to look that way sweetie, his father informed me that they were leaving as soon as he left the school, Im so sorry Jude," Lena along with Stef my moms how wonderful they are tried to pull me into a hug, i know they were just trying to comfort and be there for me but i just got up and stepped away. ` "I can't believe this, this is not happening, he's my bestfriend!," I took off running even after they were calling my name. This was officially the worst most horrible day of my life and i had no clue how i was ever going to get past it.

_  
Okay so this is probally not my best work and theres alot of writing errors i have written in a really long time but im really eager to start writing again even if its just the fanfic kind of writing. all ways eager to hear good and bad critiques what i could do better how much i suck and what not so just let me know. Fyi there will be a time skip coming up. 


	2. Chapter 2

Let me know if there is anything i can do to make this better always open to ideas and thoughts _

Two years later

Judes Pov

Family dinner has gotten a lot quieter over last couple of weeks. All my brothers and sisters went back to college two weeks ago. Brandon went back to Juiliard in New York while Callie is currently attending NYU to pursue a degree in psychology and eventually become a social worker. The twins their first years in college this time around as well Mariana got accepted into Brown and Jesus got a full ride scholarship to Penn State for wrestling. Im happy for them don't get me wrong i just miss them alot.  
Its got me thinking a lot has changed since this table was full. Over the last two years I've started high school about to start my sophomore year. I've gone from being a short skinny 7th grader to a 5'10 slightly muscular but still skinny young adult. Over the past year or so ive changed i guess more than just physically I like myself and where im going, im looking at possibly being on the varsity baseball team if my practice and training has paid off, im looking at finally being able to have my own room, and i have an awesome girlfriend. This year is going to be great i just know it. "You're being really quiet tonight, my love," Stef said in between bites of her salad. "Mom i've always been quiet, you only think its quiet cause Jesus and Mariana arent here fighting over something," I replied with a smirk looking to both of my moms for a response.  
"Hey you be nice, i happen to miss those to quarreling every five minutes," Lena responded with a slight glance to my brother and sisters empty seats. "I do to, but you know quiets nice to," Stef said with a laugh as she took another bite of her salad. We all laughed for a moment looking back at each other we all missed the rest of our family but it was a good kind of miss because we know there happy, safe, and exactly where they're supposed to be in their lives. Dinner progressed rather quietly after that as we shoved the rest of dinner down our throats with little banter here and there. Momma Lena talking about how excited she is that school starts in a couple of days and how she can't wait to see some of the students and faculty. While Momma Stef went on about some crazy old woman who ate the speeding citation she was trying to hand out. I talked mostly about how i'm excited to be able to see Taylor my girlfriend more as school starts and how i'm really excited for baseball this year and what not.

Ding

Taylor 3 - Are you done eating?

Me - About to be why?

Taylor 3 - cause I want to come by in a little bit and see you duh

Me - I'll have to ask Moms but im sure thats fine

Taylor 3 - Okay well let me know i have a surprise i want to show you!

Me - Surprise? what is it?

Taylor 3 - Can't tell you reasons why they call it a surprise dork! Love you let me know when i can head over.

Me - Okay will do love you too

"So apparently Taylor has a surprise for me and wants to know if she can come over in a little bit after were done eating," I asked with a mouthful of meatloaf. "Finish chewing before you speak young man," Stef demanded while laughing which wasn't very intimidating i might add. "I don't see why not you finished your summer reading essay already right," Lena asked already knowing the answer. "Yeah i finished it like three weeks ago, so its cool right?," "Yes tell Taylor she is welcome over anytime,"  
"I think she knows Moms it's just polite to ask,"  
"Oh my boy with such good manners," Stef responded while reaching over to pinch my face. We all continued to finish dinner laughing and playing around it was quiet without everyone else but i still wouldn't trade dinner with these to for anything in the world.

After finishing cleaning up the table and fixing to reach into my pocket so i could text Taylor I hear the door bell ring. "Jude can you get that? and if there selling anything were not buying," Stef shouted from up the stairs. "Yeah getting it right now," I put my phone back into my pocket and headed for the door. The doorbell rang once more as i would heading towards the door.  
"hold on i'm coming, i'm coming," I semi expected it to be Taylor she could sometime just make a habit of heading over and already thinking that i had given her the A okay.  
But nope it wasn't Taylor.  
Standing at my door was a boy around my age, a couple inches taller, short sandy brown hair, piercing brown eyes, sculpted jaw line, full lips, OMG is that!  
"Connor!?," I couldn't believe it Connor Stevens my long lost best friend from seventh grade was standing at my doorstep but what i really couldn't believe was what happened next.  
Connor without a word staring into my eyes stepped forward slowly. Well in my head he moved slowly but in reality he moved so quick i couldn't even react. As he got closer mere inches from my face he pulled me in to the point where our lips were just a hairs breath a part. It was in this pause in this tenth of a second that every feeling i have ever felt for Connor that i have pushed into the back of my mind for so long flurried to the surface every memory every thought i could see running through my head. It was in that tenth of a second I no longer had control. Connor finished the gap effortlessly and the moment our lips connected it was like an electric pulse shot through my whole body, It was in this next couple of seconds that i had no clue what i was doing or even cared. His hand pulled me in to only deepen the kiss while my hands were on his waist pulling him even closer to me than he already was it was as if i at that moment i needed him, wanted him to be so close to me that we would become one. The next couple of seconds is where realization came in. We stopped this very heated make out to breath and as soon as our lips were unlocked it actually dawned on me what was happening and i stepped back. "What the fuck just happened!," i screamed in my head internally. Connor Stevens my childhood best friend who i haven't seen in almost over two year just showed up at my house out of no where and kissed me. And i kissed him back! This was to much, this is crazy, there is no way this is happening right now. Staring at Connor our eyes were locked in place and i could see the look on his face changing from content and satisfaction to complete horror and fear.  
"I'm sorry Jude, I just thought I dont know im just so sorry," Connors voice was so panicked and freaked out he looked at me his big brown eyes tearing up and just took off.  
He ran to what i assumed was his truck an older model chevy and took off.

I was speechless for a couple of minutes still trying to register what just happened but the moment i did i knew i had to go find him, i had to makes sure he was okay, I had to talk to Connor. "Mom's Connor just showed up at the door and kissed me then took off I'm going to go look for him be back before curfew," I yelled up the stairs grabbing the keys to my up honda civic only giving it enough time to hear "WHAT!," shouted back down the stairs.

Connors Pov

I've only been back in town for approximately 3 ½ hours before finding my way out of my aunts house and in front of the Adam - Fosters residency. I spent the best parts of my childhood here in this house, here with him, with Jude. I've been sitting in my truck for the last 15 minutes thinking of what im going to do what i'm going to say. I haven't seen Jude since the night I got shot 2 years ago. After another 10 or so minutes of mental preparation and anguish i open the truck door and step out with still no clue what im about to do or say. "Oh hey Jude long time no see how you been?," Yeah um No "Hey man its Connor I don't know if you recognize me but i'm that asshole friend who disappeared without saying good bye two years ago," Kinda better but still a no.  
"Hey Jude wanna play some video games for old times sake," yeah im getting absolutely no where.

I have finally made it up the steps and to the front door my hand resting in the air next to the door bell terrified to push it. What am i going to say? What am i going to do? Does he hate me? These questions ringing over and over in my head holding me back till the point i said fuck it Connor man the fuck up and ring that damn doorbell.

Ding Dong

Oh shit i actually rang the door bell. A part of me was so terrified that i wanted to run and hide in the bushes or something but at the same time i kept telling myself to man up and do this. I have to do this.  
After about a minute or so i was getting restless and press the doorbell again out of impatience if this damn door doesn't open soon i don't know if i'm going to be hold myself together any longer.  
"Hold on i'm coming, i'm coming," I could hear what sounded like Jude on the other side.  
Oh shit its Jude its actually Jude I was expecting one of his Moms to answer it or something but not actually Jude what if i wasn't ready for this? Should i have given myself a couple more days? should i have waited till i saw him at school or something?  
Before I could move and inch he opened the door. "Connor?," Jude responded after a couple of seconds realizing who I was. He looked shocked well i was too. Jude looked amazing I was kinda hoping he still looked like that goofy skinny seventh grader that I was completely obsessed with. But now i have a new version of him to become obsessed with, Jude had grown hes still a little shorter than me, he went from scrawny skinny muscular lean skinny with well defined arms, and is that facial hair? Omg he is has a little soul patch growing under his bottom lip. Seeing him was everything id felt as a kid, throughout the years, and more. I needed him and at that moment i lost all control of my bodily functions, I moved on instinct.

Without a word i closed the gap between us, with a swift motion my hand was behind his head, and i pulled him in. For one sane second of control i stopped and paused just a hairs breadth away from his lips. It was in the next few seconds i had the choice to control what was about to happen. Do i stop or Do i do this with everything i have and take the consequences for it later on. I chose to give it everything i have and pour my heart and soul into him, give him every last bit of me to try and make up for what i couldn't give him those years ago.

`I close the distance. It was like static, fireworks, and the warmth of the sun all at the same time. the second our lips touched I knew what i was feeling was right. Jude began to kiss back my heart began to race i pulled him in. It was like i needed him so bad I could just fall out of existence the second we separated. In this kiss it was like i was making up for every other kiss we never had but should have if i had never gone away. if we had stayed on the same path we had when we were kids. If through this kiss i could tell him how much i have always truly loved him.

Our lips separated for a moment so we could both catch our breath and it was in that moment when i moved back in Jude stepped away. I could see the confusion and freaked out look on his face. This is bad, what did i just do? He didn't want me to kiss him he hasn't seen me in over two years why would he be okay with me kissing him like that. I was in panic mode at this point i didn't know what to do or what to say.  
I just had to run I had to get away.  
"I'm so sorry Jude, I just thought I dont know im so sorry," Tears started flooding my eyes as i took off towards my truck without another word.  
Jumped in and took off.  
Had no clue where i was going or what i was going to do but I needed to get as far away from that house as humanly possible in a motorized vehicle. Over the next couple of minutes i had no clue where i was going i was just driving. Go back to Aunt Kathy's house? Yeah theres no way thats happening.  
The more I drove the more i realized exactly where i was going and where i needed to be. After a couple of turns, some stop lights and a few stop signs I ended up in the public parking area of Anchor Beach and the side closest to the actual beach there was a spot over here that i always used to end up going to as a kid that always made me feel better in a way. It was kind of my safe place when i couldn't go over to Judes. To Judes, probably won't be able to go over there for a while.

I parked my truck and jumped right out, grabbed my guitar case which i always keep in the bed and took off towards the beach. Best way to get over misery or tough situations? Sing about it till misery loves your company.

Sorry guys i wanted this chapter to be longer but its 3 am and i really need to attempt to get some actual sleep. if you like it let me know, if you dont like it let me know and ill see if i can do better. thank you! and the more reviews i get the more inspired i will be to keep writing and keep the story going. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Liking where this is going have some decent ideas but nothing really set in stone and no clue how this will end exactly kinda writing as i go in a way. open to idea and possible plot twist concepts if you want to share them. **

_Judes pov_

I didn't know exactly where I was going or why exactly I was chasing after Conner like I was. I mean who shows up after being gone for so long and kisses you like that? really? And after thinking about it, it sounds just like Connor in a way.

Ding Ding

I reached in my pocket to check my phone, oh shit it was Taylor.

_Taylor 3 Hey babe can i come over yet? im tired of waiting!_

I completely forgot about Taylor through all of this. What was I supposed to do? Did i just cheat on her tonight?

My incredibly amazing, unbelievably supportive, and always endearing girlfriend who has never done me wrong in any kind of way.

I mean did I really cheat on her Connors the one who kissed me.

But i did kiss him back.

_Me- Hey can you come over tomorrow and show me? Something came up suddenly that I have to deal with. _

I wasn't technically lying to her, i've never lied to her. But i wasn't exactly letting her know what was really going on either and i didn't like that i have always to an extent told her everything when it came to my life.

_ Taylor 3 - Okay thats cool just let me know if there is anything i can do to help_

_ Me - I'll call you tomorrow_

I really need to figure out what's going on and to figure all that out means that i need to find Connor I didn't know exactly where I was going or where he was. But I had a pretty wild idea of where he could be.

I pulled up to the schools public parking side closest to the beach. When Connor and I were younger we spent a lot of time at this spot near the school on the beach. Over time it became a safe place to Connor and to me as well to an extent as well. Whenever he had gotten into a fight with his father or something was bothering him and he couldn't come to me first he came to this spot. It was weird thinking about walking to this spot right now it was our spot. I haven't been here to this spot exactly in almost a year it was bringing a lot of memories to the surface.

Which seems to be the theme of the night.

After taking a breath I got out of my car and headed that something told me I wasn't going to have to search anymore. I could just feel it in my chest. Connor was here I just knew it.

Walking across the lawn to the edge which led down to the beach I could hear the sound of a guitar playing in the air. Curious I continues forward cautiously quiet as a mouse till I saw him there.

Connor was sitting there atop the picnic table looking out to the ocean strumming a guitar. When did he start to play? He was really good!

But his playing was nothing compared to when he started singing I couldn't believe my ears.

_I don't even know the real me anymore_

_I can't even show how I feel_

_I hit the floor_

_I'm talking rock bottom_

_My feelings I fought 'em_

_I can't believe it's come to this_

_Cause I need to a grip on reality_

_Yeah, Yeah_

These lyrics, this way of singing was so deep it was like I was getting sucked into a trance.

_Now I-uh-I-I-I wanna feel some, some sensitivity_

_I-uh-I-I-I I'm here, I'm telling you I_

_Cleared my life_

_I changed my head_

_Trying to catch my skin again_

_I'm finding out what makes me wanna live_

_By living it up again_

_It's my world_

_I paved my way_

_Found my sensitivity, yeah_

_I stepped back from the edge_

_Now I'm living it up again_

_Yeah_

_I've been doing fine in my misery_

_Not crazy_

_I told them not to worry about me_

There was so much hurt and pain in his voice but at the same time reassurance. His words were uplifting in a way like you could feel the multitude of emotions in every syllable that sprung from his lips.

_But every time I-uh-I-I-I wanna feel some sensitivity_

_I'm here, I'm telling you I_

_Cleared my life_

_I changed my head_

_Trying to catch my skin again_

_I'm finding out what makes me wanna live_

_By living it up again_

_It's my world_

_I paved my way_

_Found my sensitivity_

_I stepped back from the edge_

_Now I'm living it up again_

_Living it up again_

_Living it up again_

_Living it up now I'm not crazy I'm just sensitive_

_I stepped back from the edge_

_I cleared my life_

_I changed my head_

_Trying to catch my skin again_

_I'm finding out what makes me wanna live_

_By living it up again_

_It's my world_

_I paved my way_

_Found my sensitivity_

_I stepped back from the edge_

_Now I'm living it up again_

_Living it up again_

_I'm living it up again_

_Living it up now I'm not crazy I'm just sensitive_

_Living it up again_

_I'm living it up again_

_Living it up now I'm not crazy I'm just sensitive_

He ended his song with a heavy sigh and breath to breathe. I couldn't help myself it was so amazing that I started walking forward again closer an started clapping.

"Wow Connor that was amazing! You are so good where did you learn how to play like that?," I asked kinda laughing at the way my clapping and voice startled him the way it did I swear the big guy would have jumped 7 ft in the air if he could.

"How did you know I was here? And you weren't supposed to hear that," he spoke coldly refusing to make eye contact with me.

"You always used to come here when we were younger, it's kind of your go to spot when something wrong with you and you need to think," I replied calmly as i set down next to him.

"i'm surprised you remembered it was so long ago," he replied still refusing to meet my gaze.

"It wasn't that long ago, and plus I could never forget anything that involved apart of you in my life, you were my bestfriend," I spoke and with these words he finally looked over at me and our eyes met.

Has his eyes always been like this?

How do i describe it? There consuming, the moment I look into them its like I fall in. Its like I fall into Connor and i'm instantly his to command. I guess in a way you can say its always been this way. Connors always been able to just give me one look and I was his anything he wanted he got at least when it came to my anyways.

"Nevada, I learned how to play in Nevada," Connor spoke after a couple of minutes of intense and probably highly inappropriate staring at eachother.

"ah Nevada so thats where you've been hiding all this time," I laughed in a way i just wanted to ease the tension. To just talk to him normally if that could even be possible at this point.

"Yeah," his reply was sad and he started to look down again I needed to do something i don't know if i can take another couple of minutes of silence.

"What happened Connor, I mean why'd you leave? Why have I not hear from you in two years," I asked, Deciding to get straight to the point, I know im kinda ignoring the whole kiss thing at the moment but at the same time this was something i needed to know now that hes here. This is the question I have been asking myself for the last two years, the question I could never get a solid answer to.

"Its been Two years and five months," not the start of an answer I was looking for.

"Okay why have I not heard from you in Two years and five months? Come on Conner you owe me at least that much," I was almost pleading at this point. After a few moments he looked from the ocean back to me and I could see the pain and guilt in his eyes.

"It was my father, that night in the hospital apparently I was talking in my sleep. I talked about you Jude," He looked at me with longing eyes analyzing my every facial reaction.

"Aparently whatever i said was enough for my father along with the situation at hand to say he had enough," he took a breath to reconstruct his words carefully in his head.

"He took an opportunity that had been previously offered him to make partner and head there newest firm that was located in Nevada, he packed up everything and we moved I was still recovering, didn't have a say or could do anything it was one of the worst days of my life," As Connor stared into my eyes i could his mind racing in his as if every flash of a memory darkened his brown eyes even more.

"I kinda knew all that well not exactly all of that, but this doesn't still explained why you haven't spoken a word to me this whole time," I cut him off before he could continue but I couldn't help myself the more he spoke the more i was on the edge of my seat needing to hear more, needing to know exactly why their friendship their past was ripped apart.

"For the first 6 months while i was recovering, my dad was persistent to remove you from my life completely I had no access to anything. No phone, No facebook, and No real way to have contact with the outside world other than school. In those 6 months finding out I was most likely not going to be able to play baseball again like I did, I had lost you, lost my passion, and I lost myself for a long time. Music in a since saved me and i just fell into it after becoming friends with a girl at school who played in the quad everyday after school. she taught me everything i know," As Connors story progressed it was nice to see the difference in his eyes as a nice memory was brought to the surface. For a second he smiled. God i didn't realize how much i've missed his smile.

"After a while he started to be more lenient but at that point almost a year had gone by and i was scared. I had a phone again, I had internet again, and I had the means of finding you again if i looked hard enough. But i was scared so much time had already passed by then and I knew if my father had found out that I was trying to get in contact with you again I would have had hell to pay," Connors eyes were filled with so much guilt in sadness it was as if i was absorbing it as well. I could feel the tears starting to form at the edges of my eyes.

" I understand that to an extent I remember how your father was," I couldn't really be mad at him I quit being mad at him a long time ago especially with being able to see how bad he felt first hand. Being able to feel how bad he felt first hand.

"So why are you back now? Did your dad have a change of heart or something?,"

"Not exactly, you remember that time I had a black eye and you told your moms?,"

"Yeah,"

"Well I didn't really run into a door, he hit me and over the years as his drinking got worse so did the beatings, he was drunk one night and went through my room while I was out. He found a Journal I had kept for a while since i left Anchor Beach. It had contained song i had written and notes about certain things i was feeling. He didn't like what he found," Connor stopped for a moment to take a breath i could see him replaying violent scenes in his head. Out of some kind of instinct I moved closer to comfort him.

I could almost feel a spark from the contact as I put my hand on his back.

"I'm so sorry Connor, I assumed when we were kids but I never really knew," As i tried to comfort I could see signs that I was helping as he sent me a half watt smile to show me his strength.

"Well this time I had enough and I made a plan, I had just found out that my Aunt Kathy had just moved back to Anchor Beach. I took pictures of all my injuries and got in contact with my Aunt. After making the proper arrangements I told my father I was done with his abuse, that I was going to move back to Anchor Beach with my Aunt and he was going to let me willingly or I was going to inform the proper authorities either way he didn't really have a choice," Connor spoke bravely so resolute in his decision.

"Wow Connor that had to have taken a lot of courage Im Proud of you," I didnt lie and i wasn't just feeling sorry for him. From when we were kids I always knew he had a rough relationship with his father and disobeying him or going against him was always hard. Every bit of anger i've ever felt towards him vanished as if it was never there to begin with. It was just Connor and I again like we were back in 7th grade, like he never left in the first place.

After a moment of silence and just being there next to each other shoulder Connor was the first one to break the silence.

"Enough about me, I want to know everything about your life since I left. You're definitely not the scrawny little kid I used to know anymore. Where did these muscles come from?!," Connor responded with a laugh as he felt up my bicep. His laugh was contagious and i couldn't help but start cracking up as well.

"Alot actually, alot has changed with me just like with you as well I guess, I was a complete and utter wreck like really it was bad. I went through that whole mute things again for about a month and a half I was in complete shock after you had disappeared," I spoke in a way as if it wasn't as much a painful memory as much as it was a fact, this happened.

"Jude i'm so sorry," Connor began but i cut him off.

"No its okay water under the bridge, I came out of it after a while spent hours at this spot actually. wondering where you went, what you were doing. You were my best friend Connor one of the most important parts of my life. I eventually came to the conclusion that if you weren't going to be apart of my life anymore I was going to make you a part of my life. I took a complete 180 in how i was going to approach my life. I eventually pleaded to my moms to put me into every upcoming baseball camp that next summer since i knew it was your favorite sport. I know its weird thinking back at it but in a since I always thought we were better together so becoming more of how I remember'd you helped me a lot," I was almost sure i was going to freak him out about the whole me becoming your doppelganger things but he just laughed.

"I see you adopted my old wardrobe as well," Connors laugh pulling at my blue plaid button down.

"Hey no one said you owned plaid," I said in defense laughing with him as i pushed him a little with my shoulder.

"thats really sweet Jude, you don't know how much that means to me. Funny you ended up the jock and I ended up the artsy type," he gave me a quick smirk.

"You still look like a jock jesus you're built like a brick house,"

"You got me there I couldn't play baseball so i switched to football,"

"Oh yeah football? figures,"

"Yep! You're looking at Anchor Beaches next starting running back," It was like the old Connor was in front of me sitting here posing for his invisible adoring fans.

"So what else is new," Connor poked me trying to get as much information out of me as possible.

"Not to much more really, Looking at starting for the baseball team this upcoming year, I've become relatively popular, and i've been dating Taylor for the last year," I let that last part slip in hopefully nonchalantly. I saw Connors eyes widen as I finished the last sentence.

"Your dating Taylor? As in Taylor whose Dad shot me in the shoulder Taylor?," His words sounded like they had a hint of disappointment in them.

"Yeah actually, does that upset you?," I didn't want to upset him but I didn't want to keep this from him especially after what happened earlier on the front porch.

"No it doesn't upset me, I just thought," he cut himself off and readjusted his train of thought.

"How did it start, I thought you only started seeing Taylor cause of Daria and I," He fixed his composure quick.

"Yeah I guess thats how it started when we were kids, but after the accident and you leaving Daria kinda went crazy and it was just me and Taylor for a while. I guess she felt responsible for me for a while and we became best friends, Over the years one thing led to another and after so much time of caring and supporting each other we easily transitioned from friends to being in a relationship," I felt like I was making an excuse for my relationship with Taylor to him and that didn't feel right, but at the same time I was doing it.

"Are you happy?," Connor asked subtly but I felt like this simple question had so many underlying meanings that hit straight to my gut. For a minute I had no clue how to answer this question even though I already knew the answer.

"Yeah im happy, everything in my life seems to be going exactly where its supposed to. So what about that girl from Nevada that got you into music? Anything there with you both? Was she sad when you came back?," I instantly felt the need to bombard him question to change the subject as quick as possible.

"No we were never serious like that, we were just close in a different kind of way. She helped me through alot. Yeah she was sad when I told her I was leaving but she understood my hearts always been back here in Anchor Beach," Connor spoke softly sending me little glances here and there. I didn't know exactly what he meant by his heart was here but i felt like if i pressed it, the answer would only make things even more confusing.

"So now that we got all the way I think we should discuss what happened back at the house," I've avoided the topic for long enough.

"I have no clue what your refering to," Connor responded with a sly "what ever could you be possibly speaking of look".

"I'm talking about the whole no hey, hi, how are you doing. Nope just a big ol smooch on the lips," I was going to get straight to the point.

"I guess I've always ended up kissing you when I didn't know exactly what to say," Connor had relaxed alot at this point falling back into old behavioral habits sending me those big puppy dog eyes when he knows he might have done something wrong.

" And I guess i've alway made a habit of kissing you back," The words kind of just came out before I could really process saying it. I didn't necessarily regret it though.

It was at this moment that he was staring again I knew it, but I looked up at him anyway and fell into the trance his eyes always seemed to put me in. It was like looking into a mirror. He would move forward I would move the same distance. He would bite his bottom lip and i couldn't help but follow suit. It wasn't long before there was little to distance between his lips and mine.

Taylor

"Connor I can't do this right now," I spoke softly backing away.

I hadn't felt like this towards anyone besides Taylor since I was a kid, since Connor was here before he left. It hurts to think about but Taylor has never made my heart start racing like it was now or put me under a spell the moment I looked into her eyes. Everything about my relationship with Taylor was comfortable, easy, it just felt right. Connor on the other hand in the hour or so i've seen him has changed my whole perspective on what feeling right is right now.

"Im sorry Jude," his voice was sad, damn i hated when his voice was like that.

"Dont be sorry, Are you gay?," I asked questioningly, I know we had started something when we were kids but I never really thought of him or myself as gay. We just had a really deep emotional connection with each other that neither of us were fully equipped to handle or understand at 13.

"Im not sure exactly I guess you could say i'm bi, but that doesn't really sound right either i've never actually sat down and identified my sexuality, not big on labels," he gave me a wink with that one knowing that was a line i gave him when I was younger when this conversation was flipped.

"All I know is that since I was 13 years old you have been the only person on my mind, the only person who has truly made me feel something for another person," This was a lot to take in.

Did i like what I was hearing? Apart of me says I did because I could feel this bubbling in my gut and the warmth of my blushing cheeks.

"I'm with Taylor right now Connor and tonight was a lot for us both to take in I think, plus I should probably get back before my mom's start freaking out I kind of took off," I started planning an escape route but I wasn't lying I had been gone for a while.

"Okay I should probably head back too," Connor looked like a baby who had just gotten scolded. I didn't like it.

I didn't want him to feel like all that he's done has been for nothing, but I still don't know how i feel about this whole situation or even really understand exactly what was going on. So I moved on pure instinct again, I pulled the taller boy up with me into my arms.

"I'm really glad you're home Connor, I'm so happy my best friends back," I spoke softly this hug lasted probably longer than should have but it was okay just standing there wrapped in eachothers arms. This was the good bye hug we never got to have, and the welcome home hug that took way too long to get here.

We exchanged our new numbers and I made a promise that I would text him tomorrow. Now it was time to go home and deal with moms while trying to process everything that just happened.

**Sorry if there is a lot of dialogue but felt like it was necessary for them to tell them basically what's been going on in eachothers lives at this point. Tell me what you think good or bad i want to hear it. Reviews keep me I do not own this song. it is called Sensitivity by Alex Goot check it out on Youtube **


	4. Chapter 4

**Going to try to bust out chapters every couple of days or so but you know how it is and life gets in the way. **

_Judes Pov_

Walking through the front doors of the house the first thing I hear is.

"We need details now!," Lena spoke from the living room sitting next to Stef.

"First off I'd like to say we don't appreciate you just taking off like that," Stef used her disciplinary voice if only for a second.

"Yeah I know I'm sorry,"

"It's okay sweetie just wait for us to at least reply;to you before you run out the house," I knew they wanted to get through the proper parenting speech's as quick as possible so they could start gushing about the gossip.

"Okay love, so whats this about Connor showing up? Your old best friend Connor,"

"And did you say he kissed you?," Lena had to add in that last bit.

I hadn't even had the chance to properly access all thats happened tonight let alone be prepared to talk about it.

"Yeah that Connor was the one at the door earlier and yes he kissed me," Wasn't really going into detail at this point just confirming their speculations.

"Thats what we thought you said, so what happened after you left? Did you go find him?," Forgot how much momma Lena was into gossip she sounded like a schoolgirl sometimes. I guess it comes with working at a school.

"Give him a second to respond Lena," Stef always the proper mediator.

"Yeah I found him he was near the beach at the school," I proceeded to inform them in a rough summary on all Connor and I had discussed to an extent.

"I'm sorry to hear that he has had such a rough time, personally think he should inform the proper authorities about his father, and blackmail wasn't the best way to approach the situation. But I am proud of him for sticking up for himself against his father," Stefs inner cop always seemed to pop its little head out but im glad she was just stating her opinion on the matter and not demand Connor take action.

"Yeah it was hard for me to hear. I knew his dad was messed up but I didn't ever think it was that bad,"

"So what about him kissing you? Did you tell him about Taylor?," Momma Lena hitting straight to the gut with that one.

"I told him about Taylor, and I think we're choosing to ignore it at this point. I wanna work on reestablishing our friendship with out complicating things too much,"

"Well I think he's already complicated things. We've never really talked about it, or wanted to push you to identify your sexuality in any way. But I do remember you voicing your feelings to me about Connor when you were younger," Momma Lena hitting the nail on the head.

"You're right I did like Connor as more than a friend when I was 13, but we never really got the chance to see how that played out. I don't know what my sexuality is i've never really thought about it too much what I do know is that I love Taylor and she's always been there for me," I responded honestly to the best of my ability.

"Were not trying to push you towards anything, love. We just wanted to see where your head was about all this. I'm glad to hear that you want to pursue a friendship with Connor again I'm sure he could really use a friend right now," Love Stef she always knows exactly what to say.

"Also we would like you to invite Connor to dinner tomorrow, you're not the only one who's missed him," Lena was quick to add on.

"Okay, I'll text him about it tomorrow. Is it okay if i went to lay down i'm tired,"

"Thats fine honey, Love you get some sleep,"

Great, I don't mind having Connor over for dinner tomorrow I just wasn't expecting to have to see him again so soon. I flopped on to my bed the moment I walked into my room. I was mentally exhausted so much to think about, so much to process. I loved Taylor, but Connor he has this hold on me that I don't really know how to explain. What am i supposed to do?

_Next day _

_Taylor 3 - Hey Monkey, I know you're heading over meet me at the little park in 10 okay?_

_Me - Yeah I'll be there in 8_

I was heading over to see Taylor this morning to talk to her. The little park was this park in her neighborhood that we've been going to play or talk since we became friends. In a way it was our spot. Our spot? Hmm seems like I have a spot with everyone.

I didn't know exactly what I was going to tell her and I didn't know exactly what I wasn't going to tell her as well. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I've always been honest with Taylor we've never kept anything from her, but at the same time i've never really had to before she has always known every aspect of my life.

But at the same time, do I really have a right to tell her about Connor? I mean his feeling were his own that he shared with me and me alone. And i'm assuming that he didn't want anybody else to know about those feelings, who was I to tell somebody his secrets.

I pulled into the neighborhood and stopped on the street next to the park. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, but I had to tell her something.

Taylor was leaning against the picnic table wearing one of those low cut tank tops that hung down slightly past her waist line, and some really short jean shorts. Her pink highlights in her hair ( the color of the week) stood out against her natural blonde hair in this august sun. I've always thought Taylor was beautiful in a natural kind of way. She went from cute in middle school to one of the hottest girls at our school over the summer leading into high school. She had the ability to be whatever she wanted with her beauty but she just chose to be herself the tomboy who didn't really care for makeup or what other people thought about her. One of the qualities I found most endearing about her.

"Hey monkey, took you long enough," Taylor spoke as she started walking my way to greet me.

"Hey monkey, Had trouble sleeping last night so i kinda slept in," I responded as i leaned in to give her a quick kiss. It was our natural greeting but this time was different in a way. The feeling of her lips against mine felt normal, familiar, comfortable in a way. But there wasn't a spark or fireworks like there was with Connor.

"So are you ready for the surprise?," She asked gleaming with a mischievous look on her face.

"Yeah whats up?," I asked laughing as she was getting excited.

"Look what I got done yesterday," Taylor lifted up the front of her tank top to reveal a belly button piercing.

"Do your Aunt and Uncle know about this?," I asked already knowing the answer.

"Nope Alexis's older sister does piercings professionally and did it for me. Do you like it," She responded with an evil smirk.

"Yeah I like it, but if they find out they will kill you," Laughing as i took a second look at it, nudging the dangling ornament with my index finger.

"This is why their not going to find out, you think its sexy boy scout," Taylor moved in draping her arms around me as i leaned on to the edge of the table.

"You always look sexy, and you do know I was never actually in the boy scout thing so that nickname is invalid," out of instinct and habit i had my hands on her waist pulling her in.

"shut up dork,"

We start kissing and it was good there was nothing wrong with our make out session. It was like its always been nothing weird or out of the normal. but i guess that might really be the issue.

It was so normal.

After about two or three minutes we separated. I gave her a flashing smile of acceptance and looked away slightly distracted i couldn't keep Connor off my mind and i couldn't keep comparing the two which was something i shouldn't being doing what so ever.

"So what came up last night that was so important that I couldn't come over?," Knew this question was coming and I didn't really want to have to answer it either. But i was going to play it cool anyway, I couldn't have her realizing how much last night was bothering me.

"You will never guess who showed up at my house last night," I responded playfully keeping her guessing was a good way to keep her distracted as I gathered my thoughts.

"Hmm, well this person has to be important enough for you to blow me off so lets go with Adam Levine," She said with a laugh.

"Oh my god, how did you guess!,"

"What really," She spoke with her mouth hanging wide open.

"No Dork, First off I didn't blow you off, and Second your obsession with Maroon Five can be slightly terrifying at moments," Taylor punched me in the arm as i was laughing at her.

"Jude come on tell me already," She pleaded pulling on my arm as I started walking towards the swing set.

"It was Connor Taylor, it was Connor," I looked over at her with a serious expression before looking down as I started to take off swinging.

"Connor as in your Connor?," she was shocked and I could feel her trying to lock eyes with me.

"He's not my Connor, but yea that Connor," I kept looking forward as i swung only occasionally looking over at her. I wanted to play it off like it was nothing but that wasn't exactly working for me.

"Oh wow we haven't heard from since," Taylor couldn't finish her sentence. I knew this was going to be a touchy subject for her. We haven't really talked about her dad that much over the last year. After the accident Taylor's dad went to prison for assault with a deadly weapon against a minor. We all know it was an accident but her dad was still drunk when it happened and Taylor never forgave him.

"Yeah I know," I spoke softly looking back at her to see if she was okay.

"Well is he okay? Hows he doing? Why is he back?," She asked trying to sound excited and optimistic. If anybody was better at hiding their feeling better than I was it was Taylor.

"Yeah he's doing good, and a situation happened with his dad so he's back to live with his Aunt who just moved back to town,"

"How are you doing with it, I bet it had to be a shock him coming home," Taylor always knew how to ask the right questions to get something out of me thats for sure. But I decided I wasn't going to tell her about the kiss. At least not yet, not until I fully understood how I felt about it.

"I'm fine, it was weird at first and definitely shocking him just showing up like that. But after talking for a minute it was like I had my best friend back and i'm really glad hes home," I was honest with her and wasn't lying i just wasn't telling her the whole truth.

"Thats good Im happy for you, babe," She paused for a moment looking down herself I knew there was something else she wanted to ask me.

"Does he hate me?,"

"Why would he hate you? Its not like it was your fault,"

"Well it was my plan to go into the house, and it was my dad that shot him,"

"I don't think he blames you for what happened, none of us have ever blamed you for what happened,"

"I know I just want to get the chance to apologize to him i guess,"

"Well if that what you want babe, im sure you will get plenty of chances, but remember that night was not your fault we all wanted to hangout more and have some fun,"

"I know, I know. I love you monkey you know that right?," It felt like their was more to that last sentence. but I might have just been looking into it a little too far.

"I know babe, I love you too monkey," By this time we had both quit swinging and i leaned over to give her a reassuring kiss.

"So when are you going to see him again? Next time you do tell him I would like that chance to talk to him and see him," Taylor asked trying lighten up the mood a little. she hated awkward silences more than anything.

"Oh crap Mom's wanted me to invite him to dinner tonight, thanks for reminding me," I had completely forgotten reaching in my phone to text him.

_Connors Pov_

I walked down the stairs groggy scratching my head, The clock read 1:20 pm. Damn I slept in late.

"About time you got up lazy," Aunt Kathy spoke from the kitchen as she was pouring lemonade into a glass.

"Sorry I didn't sleep well last night," I replied rubbing my eyes yawning.

"It's fine sweetie first night in a new place is always a hard one, you deserve the chance to sleep in, you want some?," she asked lifting the jug of lemonade.

"Yes please,"

I sat down at the bar and waited for her to fix my drink.

"So did you go see that boy last night? What was his name Jude?," Aunt Cathy asked subtly trying to start up a conversation. I loved my Aunt Cathy she has always been easy to talk to, The only person in my family I could freely talk to about anything. Aunt Cathy was an interesting woman, She was a hard ass defense attorney at work but in her home life she was kind of a hippy all about free love and all that spirit mumbo jumbo. I didn't really understand it a lot of it most of the time but i loved her for who she was regardless. Shes in her early 30s and has never been married. I asked her about that one time and she just told me she doesn't understand the point of being tied down to one person for the rest of your life.

"Yeah I went to go see Jude," My reply was short I didn't really want to talk about it that much due to the fact that last night hadn't exactly gone the way I had planned it.

"Well how did it go? don't just leave me hanging,"

"Well I went to go see him and instead of saying hi how you doing, first he opens the door and i kissed them then I proceeded to run off," Yep last night didn't go as planned whats so ever. Aunt Cathy instantly busted out laughing.

"Thats one hell of a greeting if you ask me," She continued laughing for a moment while I gave her the death glare.

"Did he kiss you back?," Wasn't exactly prepared for that one but thinking back onto it he did. Jude did kiss me back and it was amazing the greatest kiss of my young life.

"Yeah he did actually, but it doesn't matter cause he has a girlfriend," Even though he had kissed me back, even though it was amazing, truth is he still has a girlfriend that he cares about dearly.

"Hmmm you say he has a girlfriend, which implies that he is straight, but normally a straight guy wouldn't kiss you back if he wasn't interested in you," Well isn't she good at questioning everything like she was in a court room.

"That's true I guess," Still wasn't to sure where she was getting at exactly but was open to hearing out her possible case.

"Well what happened after that?,"

I proceeded to tell her about Jude finding me at the beach, everything we discussed, and even the almost second kiss we almost shared.

"If you ask me I don't think you're as much out of the race as you think, even if he has a girlfriend," My head popped up as soon as she said the words.

"What do you mean? You think I should try an break up Taylor and him?," The idea of him and Taylor breaking up sounded good, but I didn't want it to be my fault. I don't want to be responsible for any sadness Jude could go through. Not again at least. All I want is for Jude to be happy.

"I didn't mean it to come out like that, I am in no way condoning being a homewrecker, even though i've been called that a couple of times. Never mind that, I'm just saying let him know exactly how you feel and see if he feels the same way too. There is nothing wrong about fighting for what's in your heart sweetie," She spoke softly and she put her hand over mine.

She's right there's now way what i'm feeling can be completely one sided. I have felt this way about Jude since the day I met him. I didn't exactly know what it meant at the time but I do now. I didn't fight for him when I was younger because I was too scared of what my father or other people might think about my feeling for him. That changes now.

"I think you're right Aunt Cathy, I'm not going to fight for Jude trying to break up his relationship with Taylor, but I am going to fight for him all the same,"

_ding ding _

Now who could that be? I reached into my pocket to pull out my phone to see his name pop up and my heart skip a beat.

_Jude - Hey Connor?_

_Me- Yea, whats up?_

I wanted to be nonchalant in my text but in the real world I was freaking out, and couldn't hide my smile to save a life.

"What's got you smiling like that for," Aunt Cathy asked arching a eyebrow with a sly smirk.

" Jude just text'd me," Yep still couldn't wipe off the smile I was beaming.

_Jude - My mom's wanted to know if you would come over and have dinner with us tonight? _

"His moms want me to come over for dinner tonight, I haven't seen them in forever is it okay if I go?," I was jumping at the chance to see Jude again so soon.

"Yea thats fine with me I'm going to be working late on a case tonight anyway,"

"Thank you!," I was literally ecstatic right now and this gave me my first chance to show Jude exactly how i feel.

_Me - My Aunt said it's cool, what time should I come over?_

_Jude - Well dinners at 6 so around that time. _

_Me - Okay cool Im so excited!_

_Jude - Why? lol its just my moms everyone else has already left for school. _

_Me - So I love your mom's 3333_

_Jude - Hahahaha they love you too, they got really excited when I told them you were home. they are really happy your home. _

_Me - Cant wait to see them, and hopefully they aren't the only ones that are happy I'm home _

_Jude - there not, I'll see you at dinner Connor_

_Me - Wouldn't miss it for the world. _

My heart was racing every second just waiting for his next text. I couldn't believe I was getting to see him so soon again. Now it was time to figure out a game plan for tonight. I had a weird feeling I had to make tonight count.

_Jude pov_

I've spent the last three hours practically staring at the last message Connor texted me which I didn't even reply to. _Wouldn't miss it for the world. _What was he thinking sending that to me? Why was I so bothered by it? Why did my heart start racing every time I looked at it? This was beginning to become a problem no matter how long I've spent wracking my brain on how i feel about Connor and what happened last night, I've come up with nothing. I cant put to words how I feel or what they mean and i'm doing even worse of a job figuring out what i want to do about Connor till I figure it out.

"Jude, quit staring at your phone for five minutes and help me set the table before Conner gets here," Stef demanded as she walked into the kitchen.

"Yes ma'am," I replied as I put away my phone and headed to the kitchen to grab the tableware. After a couple of minutes of basic conversations and mom's talking about how excited they were to see Connor and bickering on how he possibly has grown over the past two years. Stef had a bet that his height has probably topped out after middle school an that I was taller, while Lena made her bet that he was most likely 6'5 by now. Both were wrong but I wasn't fixing to spoil their fun.

_Ding Dong_

Hearing the sound of the doorbell almost gave me a heart attack and I was this close to dropping a plate. "Go answer the door it's most likely Connor," Lena shouted from the kitchen as she was finishing the last touches on dinner.

I walked over to the door slowly with anticipation, I still wasn't sure how I felt about seeing Connor again so soon but i guess it was now or never. Opening the door Connor flashed me his 100 watt smile as soon as he saw me.

"Hope you're hungry, moms made her special fajita tacos," Basic conversation good job Jude good job.

"Wow that takes me back, I haven't had your mom's fajita tacos in so long," Connor walked in and pulled me in for a quick hug. for normal people this was a normal greeting in a way. For us though it was more just one single touch from Connor could send shocks through out my whole body, and why did he have to smell so good what was he wearing.

After separating I made a quick escape to the dining room to let my moms have at him for a minute.

"Oh my Lord Connor its so good to see you, love how have you been," Stef pulled him in first as lena made her way out of the kitchen into the dining room. I forgot how much my moms truly loved Connor. Connor wasn't just my best friend that came over a lot he was a part of the family.

"I've been better and i've been worse i'm just glad i'm home and i've missed you both so much," Connor spoke politely as he hugged Stef back.

"Well you've certainly gotten tall, hasn't he Stef. What are they feeding you," Lena sent a smirk Stefs way as she pulled Connor in for a big momma bear hug.

"I had a really big growth spurt this past summer," Connor laughed as we all started moving to our seats. Connor sat next to me at his old seat. Where he always used to sit when he came over.

It was quiet as we all started fixing our plates other than "can you pass that here," "hey can you hand me that," I was starting to get nervous when every so often Connors knee would rub up against mine as he moved which caught me holding and catching my breath every time.

"So Connor, Jude told me a little bit about what's been going on with you, and let you keep this noted I believe you should have contacted the police when it came to your father," Stef started before getting cut off.

"But we are extremely proud of you for sticking up to your father and taking charge of your life," Lena added the last part to be supportive. I had no clue they were going to bring this up. I looked over at Connor apologetically.

"So I see you still tell your Moms everything," Connor looked at me with a smirk and piercing gaze.

"Im sorr-"

"No it's fine, I like that I was only mad when we were younger because I couldn't talk to my Dad as freely as you could your moms, Thank you both and I know Stef it wasn't probably the best way to approach the situation but at the time all I was really thinking how was I going to get away without my dad having to go to jail," Connor spoke with strength about the situation a lot differently than he had last night.

"But you do realize that what he did was wrong right, and he should be held accountable," Stef looked at him more serious than I had seen her in a while.

"Yes mam," Connor replied softly.

" No matter how it happened were just glad you're safe and back in our lives again," Lena added with a sympathetic look.

Stef lifted her glass of wine and we followed suit. "Here's to Connor being home and safe we are so happy to have you as a part of the family once again,"

Connors eyes started tearing up a little as we all said cheers, It always confused me to think about how somebody could be so happy for just a moment that they would start crying. But it was happening and I couldn't help but smile with everyone else.

"you've always been a part of the family," I spoke quietly to Connor as I leaned over and nudged him with my shoulder.

Over the rest of the dinner it was the most talking this table has seen in weeks. Moms going back and forth asking questions about Connors life and how it was living in Nevada and what not. Stories from way back when were brought back to life and had everybody laughing the whole time. It was a good dinner it was like any other dinner we had ever had together I don't even know why I was so worried.

"So Connor you rejoining the baseball team this year? You know Judes trying to make varsity this year even though he's only a sophomore," Stef started up in between bites.

"Sadly no since the accident I haven't been able to throw as well as before," Connor responded like it was nothing.

"Oh im sorry to hear that sweetie," Lena responded.

"It's okay just cause I can't throw that well doesn't mean I can't catch. I started playing football a lot more seriously afterwards and found out I make a really good running back," Connor replied quickly and proudly.

"Oh thats good to hear, Do you have any other new hobbies we should be aware of?,"

"Actually Connors become a really talented musician," The words kind of just sprung from my mouth. Connor gave me this look that said "why did you have to say that," I just gave him a weak smile that said "opps,"

"Oh wow thats awesome you should play something for us after dinner, what instrument do you like to play?," Stef asked.

"Mostly my guitar, its like my safety net I try and take it with me everywhere," Connor said this with pride. I didn't realize his new take on music meant as much to him as it did. which in a way kind of made it hit me that this is a whole new Connor in a way. A new Connor with new interest, not an exact copy of his 13 year old self.

After we all finished eating and cleared our plates we all settled in the living room while Connor went out to his truck to get his guitar.

"So are you going to play the same song I heard you play last night it was really good," I asked looking up at him from the recliner while he got his guitar out.

"No actually, this is a different song, Its actually the first song I wanted you to hear me play but we kind of messed that one up last night," He spoke with a laugh as he looked at me. He had a specific song he wanted to play for me?

"This song is called wherever you are,"

_Something 'bout this empty bed_

_Leaves a hole in me when I rest my head._

_I said hey_

_Where are you lately._

_The thought of you makes me insane_

_Like a fire burning in my brain._

_I said hey_

_Where are you lately._

_Loving you is all that I need._

_All I know is I want to be_

Did he just say loving you? I wonder who he wrote this song for, it couldn't possibly have written about me, right.

_Wherever you are_

_I'm so lost without you._

_I'm nothing without you._

_I just want to be_

_Wherever you are_

_I'd search the world for you_

_Forever if I had to._

_I just want to be_

_Wherever you are._

_I try to lie but I die inside_

_When I realize that you're not mine._

_I said hey_

_Where are you lately._

_I had you to love, to hold._

_Now the memories grow dark and cold._

_I said hey_

_Where are you lately._

Yeah this song is totally about me.

Connors eyes met mine as soon as he hit the chorus he was singing to me, serenading me, and I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was like there was no one else in the room or even in the world even but me and him. I understood to some level that Connor had some type of feelings for me that probably rooted from our relationship as kids. I had no clue his emotions could run this deep, I had no clue anybodies emotions could run this deep. Was he confessing his love to me right now?

_How could all of this come undone?_

_I should have known that you were the one._

_Now I need you to believe_

_I'm so lost without you._

_I'm nothing without you._

_I just want to be_

_Wherever you are._

_I'd search the world for you_

_Forever if I had to._

_I just want to be_

_Wherever you are._

_Wherever you are._

The Connor standing in front of my pouring his heart out through this song, is definitely not a copy of the 13 year old boy I knew. This Connor is different.

He's strong on the inside just as strong as he is on the outside, Connor always had issues expressing his feeling or even being able to understand them. But now Connor is standing here not only in front of me but my mom's too letting us know exactly how he feels. letting me know exactly how he feels.

_Something 'bout this empty bed_

_Leaves a hole in me when I rest my head._

_I said hey_

_Where are you lately?_

_Wherever you are_

_I'm nothing with out you._

_I'm so lost without you._

_I just want to be_

_Wherever you are,_

_I'd search the world for you_

_Forever if I had to._

_I just want to be_

_Wherever you are._

_Wherever you are._

Connor finished singing his song and we all sat in momentary silence. I was in shock because my middle school best friend might just have confessed his love to me in front of my moms. And my moms were probably in shock for the same reasons.

Moms started clapping both at the same time wooing and screaming.

"Connor that was amazing who knew you could sing like that, you should join the new glee club at our school that got started last year," Lena continued clapping for the next minute or so.

"that was so good Connor I almost started crying your really talented," Stef spoke up as well wiping the start of tears from her eyes.

"Thank you both so much that means the world to me and Lena I might just look into it when school starts," Connor replied respectfully sending them his 100 watt smile that was shining so bright I swear if I stood at it for too long i would go blind.

"When you get famous you have to promise to save us backstage passes to all of your shows,"

"Deal, so what did you think of it Jude?," Connor looked directly at me this time once again analyzing my every move. Its as if he's peering into my soul when he does this.

"It was the most beautiful thing i've ever heard," What did I just say!? Damn your eyes Connor Damn your eyes.

At this point both of my moms were staring at me shocked by my answer and Connors 100 watt smile instantly turned into a 1000 watt smile at this point. What did I just do?

"Well love, I think its about time we went to bed, It was nice seeing you Connor thanks for the after dinner entertainment and don't be a stranger," Stef spoke up as momma Lena started to protest she forced her upstairs after saying their goodbyes.

"So you want to go upstairs? You haven't been up there in a while," I didn't really give him the chance to answer as I tried to make my escape from this situation.

"Yea love to see what you've done with the place now that its you don't have to share it with Jesus," Connor replied following me up the steps.

We make it up to my room and the second we walk in he jumps on my bed like he owns the place. It made me laugh a little since that was the first thing he always did.

"Bout time you got a bigger bed,"

"Well it was getting harder to sleep comfortably on a bed so small as I got bigger," I replied with a matter of fact attitude as I sat down at the computer desk near the bed.

"God this room brings me back, constant hours of whooping your ass at video games," Connor was laughing as he spoke surveying the room for every little change there might have been.

"I think your memory is a little fuzzy if you think you remember whooping my ass," I replied defensively giving him a little push.

"Hmm I beg to differ,"

We were in silence for a few minutes Connor laying his head back on my bed staring at the ceiling as I sat in the computer chair fumbling with my fingers. What was I supposed to say? What were we supposed to talk about? Especially after that little performance he put down there in my living room. I feel my head is full of nothing but questions lately and very few answers. So I guess its time to say something at least.

"So who was that song about? Anybody important?," Well I guess getting straight to the point never hurt.

"Yeah very important actually, and I think you already know the answer to that question," Connor sat up at this point and I could feel his lingering eyes on me. Not exactly the answer I was hopeing for.

"Connor," His name with a sigh and a little bit of desperation I was fixing to go on this spill on how I was with Taylor and blah blah blah before he cut me off.

"Jude before you say anything can I get the chance to say something to you I should have a long time ago," Connor asked moving off the bed to where he was in front of me and out of habit my gaze moved up to follow his movement on instinct long enough to lock eyes with his. And all I could do now was nod my head in approval.

"Jude, I have been in love with you since I was 13 years old, I was in love with you before I could possibly even understand what being in love meant. These feelings I have for you they're not just derived feeling from a misunderstood boy. No these feeling I have for you earth shattering, dimension bending feeling that I can't control anymore. These last two years nothing has changed when it comes to how I feel if anything they've only intensified. i've spent the last two years dreaming of the day I could see you again, the day I could get past my fathers judging eyes run and come find you. That song was the first song I ever wrote. I spent hours trying to write a song I thought would be good and came up with nothing until Aria told me to write something that comes from the heart something that was so emotional to me I couldn't help but pour it all out on paper. And then once I thought about it after months of trying to find a way of coping with losing you it just started pouring out of me. Jude you are my muse, you are my inspiration, you are everything that make me well me.," Connor belted out his every waking emotion into this speech and I was speechless, breathless.

How was I suposed to react? What was i supposed to do in this kind of situation?

"Jude, say something please," Connor was pleading fear in his eyes waiting for my reaction to his confession for the ages.

I didn't know what to say but I had to say something, I had to do something. So what do I do when I have no clue what to say, I move purely on instinct.

I stood up never unlocking my gaze from Connors, I moved in slowly as if the world was about to stand still with in this next moment just so it could take the image of what I was about to do and keep it for eternity. Eyes locked falling into each other until our noses were a mere inch apart. Our breaths were in sync, our eyes were in sync, and in this instant our hearts were in sync.

" for someone who is bad with words you sure talk a lot,"

Our lips collided as if our lives depended on it, The feel of his warm lips crashing into mine sent little pulses of waves shooting straight through my body. I swear in this second as my eyes were, my hands wrapped around his neck, my running through his hair pulling him in as much as i could. I swear in this second I could see our hearts beating.

**BTW song is called Wherever you are by Eric Dill check it out if you get the chance. Might be a couple days before I can write another chapter might be going to Padre for spring break this weekend so wont see another chapter till next week. Tell me what you think good or bad let me know remember reviews keep me motivated. **


	5. Chapter 5

**First off big thanks too all of you who reviewed and started favoriting an following my story it means the world to me. You're kind words are what keep me inspired to keep writing this fic. Alright to Guest ( you don't have a username so I can't give you a proper shout out) Jude and Connor are about to start their Sophomore year of high school. Judes a little older than the rest of the kids in his grade if you recall and i'm making Connor older than him. Also I don't know their exact birthdays so i'm making to where they turned sixteen during the summer. **

_Judes pov _

I awoke abruptly to the feeling of vibrations shaking the bed close to my head. Groggy I reluctantly opened my eyes to check the time on my phone.

**6:00 am**

It was time to start getting ready for school. I sat up slowly wiping the remaining remnants of sleep from my eyes as waves of nausea shot through me from the sudden movement and it felt like a hammer had for some ungodly reason found its way inside my head just to periodically start beating on my brain. I felt like I had been hittin by a bag of bricks. If this is what a hangover was supposed to feel like I made a mental note never to drink again at least not for a while. This felt like it was going to take more recovery time than minor surgery. Giving myself a minute or two to try and recollect my thoughts from the night before as I rubbed my temples in a desperate attempt to try and ease the pain in my head.

Recollecting bits and pieces from the night before trying to access and decipher fuzzy memories I quickly came to the conclusion that I was the most despicable person I knew. Slowly I looked behind me to see Taylors half naked sleeping body resting underneath the sheets. She laid there perfectly still with the most peaceful look on her face as she slept so content next me.

Yeah i'm the most despicable person I know.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts as I stood up only to fall forward almost running into my desk chair. Yeah I am never drinking again. My thoughts kept trailing back and forth replaying the events that have occurred this past week. Only making myself feel as bad emotionally as I did physically at the moment if not worse.

I keep replaying the scene with Connor after dinner more than the rest, I guess you could say that was my first despicable act.

_ It seemed as if every time the distance between Connor and I shortened to that of nothing. All of my senses began to heighten and my mind would be lost in a sea of emotions and subtle observations. _

_As we kissed his lips pressing against my own we somehow easily got close enough to fall on top of the bed while never breaking away from each other. Connors body fell atop of mine and I could feel the warmth of his skin even through the layers of fabric separating our bare bodies from contact. As the kiss deepened so did my ability to observe every square inch of Connors body. My left hand never left the back of his head as I rubbed my fingers through his hair occasionally pulling him in to me to intensify our already heated make out session. While my left was on his head my right hand found its way to his waist keeping a firm hold on his hips. _

_We broke away if only for a moment to try and recapture our breaths. It was in these miniscule seconds that I noticed everything. If you were just looking at Connor's eyes you'd probably just assume they were nice pretty brown eyes probably due to the fact that they darken a little when he squints which is a habit he has when he starts smiling a lot. But you would be wrong because Connor's eyes were so much more than that. As I looked into them it felt like I was falling into a sea of green, brown, and a hint of orange here and there it was like a chaotic storm of colors that blended in perfect harmony. Connor smelt like summer. There was his normal musky scent mixed with hints of citrus and lime. It was intoxicating if I was only able to smell Connor for the rest of my life i'm sure that I would die happy. But in these miniscule seconds, these few moments it took too regain our breath I was able to see just how beautiful Connor was. His jawline had become chiseled perfection over the last two years, he subtly grew into his plump lips that accented his look so well, everything about him in this moment I considered flawless and perfect even little scar under his left eye I knew he gained from a nasty fall when he was 10. _

_We conjoined again only a heartbeat later in a desperate need to taste one another again. It seemed if we let our mouths disconnect for to long they would never be able to find their ways back to each other again._

_Our bodies moved in unison as hands trailed exploring each others chest, abdomens, and back every so often slipping underneath to feel the contact of the others bareskins against our fingertips. _

_We broke away once more and Connor lifted his upper body up as he straddled me so he could more easily remove his shirt. My eyes lingered from his lips, down his neck line to reveal his tan bare chest (somebody obviously remained shirtless for most of the summer). They lingered on his dark brown slightly pink nipples before trailing down, Connor had the most perfectly symmetrical and defined six pack i've ever seen in my life which was equipped with an equally perfect V that revealed itself at the base of his pants and underwear. I was as much jealous as I was in awe of his body. Flawless completely and utterly flawless, this was the only proper word I could use to describe Connor at this moment I was attracted mentally and physically to every square inch of this boy and i knew it. I knew it with every fiber of my being. _

_Knock Knock _

"_Hey boys it's getting late and we think Connor should be heading home," said Stef from the other side of my door. _

_The knock and my moms words broke the sexual trance I was clearly under and let my brain retake control of my body. "Okay mom he'll be out door in a couple of minutes,"_

"_Okay Love, and next time you're keeping your door open," I waited to hear the sound of her steps walking away before I let out a breath and was no longer frozen solid. _

_We both laughed in a desperate attempt to normalize the situation as I motioned for Connor to get off from on top of me. Still trying to switch over control of my body and mind from my impulse driven heart to my logical driven brain I looked up at the taller boy who was beaming is not million watt smile down at me. What was I going to do? _

"_Well I can officially say that was the hottest makeout session of my life, well you know until your mom interrupted us," Connor spoke up gleaming it was like he was glowing he was so happy while trying to wrestle back on his shirt. _

_I only laughed at his comment. _

_Now that my brain was back in full control of my body and no longer playing tug of war with my heart I had no clue what to say. I was freaking out. I had convinced myself that the last kiss wasn't my fault and I hadn't technically cheated on Taylor but this time there was no way going around it because this time I was the one who Initiated the kiss with Connor. I could go back in forth in my head saying i had no control of my body, I was just reacting. Those excuse sounded just as lame in my head as the would if I were to vocalize them. _

"_Jude? are you okay?," _

_I looked up realizing I hadn't said a word to Connor for over a minute and that I was just sitting there in silence. " I don't know Connor I really don't," _

"_Connor, I'm not going to sit here and lie to and say that what just happened was one sided. But I'm with Taylor and what I just did was wrong," I spoke refusing to look him in the eyes as I stared at the floor. _

"_I understand that Jude, I didn't mean for any of this to happen either you know that right? I'm not trying to break you an Taylor up or mess up your life I just came here to tell you how i feel," Connor spoke strongly with a serious tone. _

"_I know that Connor, I know that, I'm not blaming you for anything its just gotten really complicated," I responded looking up at him. I in no way wanted Connor to feel like I was blaming him for anything or what he was doing was wrong. He didn't know about Taylor and I the first time. _

"_I know its complicated, I'm sorry I will wait for you to figure out what you want just know i want you to be happy," Has he always been so sincere and honest about his feelings? Who was this guy because the Connor I knew had issues figuring out what he wanted too eat let alone be able to tell anyone exactly how he felt on the inside. _

" _Give me some time to sort everything out in my head okay," _

"_Okay and before i leave I wanted to say I was sorry,"_

"_You don't have anything that you need to apologize for Connor,"_

"_No I do," I looked at him questioningly wonder what on earth could he be apologizing for now. _

"_I wanted to apologize for breaking my promise to you Jude, The promise I made too you that night, the promise i was never able to keep," His voice was soft and a tinge of pain lingered in the air as he spoke. _

_The memory flashed through my mind faster than I could blink, It was a memory I held dear and could never forget. _

_**"why, why did you push me out of the way," I pleaded to him needing to know. **_

_** "Because I couldn't see you getting hurt again," I wasn't expecting a response or for him to be conscious.**_

_** "Connor i can't lose you, you're my best friend," **_

_** "You won't Jude, i will always be here to protect you," Connor spoke with a raspy voice and gleaming smile i know was meant to reassure me. With a struggled attempt he lifted his left arm and pulled me in close mere inches from his face.**_

_** "I will always protect you,"**_

_The memory left a pain in my chest that I couldn't explain and I could feel my eye's beginning to start tearing up but i quickly fought the urge. " That wasn't your fault Connor you had no control over the situation. You couldn't have known that your dad was going too make you move," _

_ " I know I couldn't control it, but I still broke a promise to you Jude. But Know this now no matter what happens with us, I will never leave you again and I will protect you no matter what," Connor had a flash of passion and fierceness in his eyes. I've never seen him this serious before in my life. He took a second to watch my expression as I stood quiet and still before leaving my room. _

I've made my way down from my room while lost in thought down to the kitchen, I rummaged through the medicine cabinet in a desperate attempt to find a quick cure too my migraine from hell. Finally finding my prize I quickly popped 3 Tylenols into my mouth and stuck my mouth under the sink for a quick sip to wash the pills down with.

While analyzing the kitchen for the coffee machine I couldn't help but start reflecting on my scene with Connor. I couldn't help but feel bad about what I was putting the boy through. Connor had poured his entire heart and soul to me in quite possibly the most romantic an endearing love confession for the ages. And I responded I took his feeling as my own only to retract it all by the end of it all.

Looking back I had spent the next day or two hiding out from both Connor and Taylor. I ignored Connors text most of the time he was just trying to make basic conversation completely harmless. When Taylor textd I would respond enough to satisfy her and when she wanted to hangout or see me I would make up some excuse about my mom's needing me to do this or that for them. The excuses were always lame but worked there was no way I could have seen Taylor at that point. I couldn't look her in the eyes at least not yet not until I had figured out what I wanted to say or what I was going to say but more importantly not until i figured out what I wasn't going to say.

Thinking about it my next run in with Connor didn't really go as planned either but then again none of my run ins with Connor ever really went as expected.

_Three days ago _

_ I found myself in a desperate need to find somewhere to go to think other than my room. I'd spent the last couple of days confined to my room trying to evaluate my life without and distractions but the longer i laid in my bed the more flashes of the other night would cloud my thoughts, I was getting absolutely nowhere. I needed some fresh air to clear my head but I had no clue where to go. I only really had two places that I liked to go to sit and think about something The Little Park near Taylor's house that was a no go. One I couldn't even look at Taylor right now and two there was no way I could risk the chance of running into after blowing her off the last couple days. _

_ Next was the spot on the beach near the school, Didn't really want to end up running into Connor either not until I figured out exactly what was going on with me and him. It sucked the only two spots I had to go to In a situation weren't even mine they were Taylor and Connor's spots I just made them mine as well. This wouldn't necessarily be a problem I could just go to one or the other i've never actually wanted to avoid both of them at the same time before. _

_ I had decided on the beach at this point running into Connor would have be easier than running into Taylor. I hated that I thought that. _

_ I parked in my usual spot and look around to see if Connor's truck was there. Nope okay well i'm safe for the time being. _

_ I started heading my way down to the table on the beach lost in my own head distracted before realizing who was sitting down there with a guitar in his hands. _

_ The moment I realized who it was, it was already to late for a retreat he had already looked up and noticed my presence. _

_ "What's up stranger, what are you doing down here," Connor spoke up with guitar in hand. _

_ "Just wanted to escape the house for a little bit wanted a quiet place to think, what did you drive here in I didn't see your truck in the parking lot," I asked making my way down the steps to the beach. He already saw me so I wasn't just going to run off without saying a thing. _

_ " Drove my Aunt's car my truck is in the shop getting some new tires being put on it. I can leave if you want me too," Connor responded as I got closer getting up and starting to gather his belongings. _

_ "No, No you're fine you were here first and this is your spot anyway," _

_ "It's not my spot, i don't own the beach, and if it was anybodies spot I figured it was ours," He laughed real quick sitting back down. _

_ "So what are you working on?," I asked after looking down looking at a notebook and pencil sitting beside him. _

_ "I've been working on a new song the last couple of days, but its not finished yet," he replied looking down at the notebook sitting his guitar down beside him. _

_ "Thats exciting, I wouldn't even know how to start writing one let alone finishing one,"_

_ "It's not as hard as you'd think its like writing a story and putting it to music in a way, you've always been good at writing should be easy for you," I laughed at that last comment. " I haven't written anything of substance in so long I doubt i'm really good,"_

_ "Why did you quit writing," Connors expression looked confused and I didn't even exactly understand why he was so inquisitive about this topic. _

_ " I don't know I just stopped after a while, I guess I lost interest,"_

_ "Was it around the time you started baseball?," _

_ Thinking back on it yeah it was probably around that time but how did he guess that? " Yeah actually I think so, how did you know that,"_

_ "Just a guess," We sat in silence for a while and it got awkward after that. _

_ Connor kept looking down at his guitar his eyebrow twitching every so often the deeper in thought he got. " So can I hear what you've been working on?," I don't know why exactly I asked him that but I needed to break the silence somehow. _

_ " I don't know Jude, It's not finished yet and I don't know if you're ready to hear it," Connor gave me a pleading look but I pressed on anyway. _

_ "Come on, It can't be that bad Connor just give me a little taste of the future finished project," I was persistent at this point I needed to hear his voice. His songs no matter how they make me feel afterwards always clears my mind while i'm hearing them. And I would do anything at this point for a clear mind even if it is for just a instant. _

_ "Okay, Okay but don't say I didn't warn you, you obviously know who its about," Connor lifted his hands in defeat shooting me a wicked grin before bending over to reach for his resting guitar. I figured as much and didn't care._

_ "I think I'm going to call this one Let Go," _

_**Hey beautiful**_

_**I'll admit my heart was on fire**_

_**Caught a spark as soon as you smiled**_

_**Just standing there**_

_**And there we were**_

_**Like the world was in on it too**_

_**And the stars and the sky and the moon**_

_**All got a view**_

_**Now could you believe it**_

_**When we kissed I could see our hearts beating**_

_**Whisper love and I swear that I'll hear it**_

_**If you're thinking you don't know**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**If you're thinking you don't know**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**Ohhh x 8**_

_Amazing per usual I had already become accustomed to the beauty that what his voice, but it still brought chills down my spine as his angelic melodies caressed my ear drums ever so gently. But one line had me fixated more than the rest. _

_**Now could you believe it**_

_**When we kissed I could see our hearts beating**_

When we kissed the last time I could have sworn for a moment when my emotions were at its highest I could see our hearts beating through closed eyes. Did he see it to? Were we really that connected and I didn't even realize it.

_**Hey beautiful**_

_**I don't have much to offer you**_

_**Still you stole a kiss or two**_

_**Now you got my attention**_

_**Now could you believe it**_

_**When we kissed I could see our hearts beating**_

_**Whisper love and I swear that I'll hear it**_

_**If you're thinking you don't know**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_**If you're thinking you don't know**_

_**I'll teach you to let go**_

_**Let go**_

_Connor ended the song right after that last line, we sat in silence for a while neither of us could speak. I was in shock after hearing him pour our feelings again into another song. But this one was different and I could feel it this was his I'm going to fight for you song. He knew what I was feeling before I even did and he was determined to help me figure it out. Problem was I didn't know if I was ready to let go like he wanted me to. It wasn't just about me and him, it wasn't just about the fact that we were connected on such a deep level that we could feel and see the same things, no it wasn't just about us I also have to think about Taylor as well. Taylor was my girlfriend who I loved and cared for more than anything in the world and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt or betray her. I've already betrayed her. _

_ Connor spoke first ending the silence after i'm assuming growing impatient waiting for my response. "Well that's it I'm not exactly sure how I want to finish it just yet, but regardless what do you think of it so far," _

_ "It was amazing Connor I can't believe you ended up being such an amazing songwriter and musician," _

_ "It came to me naturally I guess, I'm not the best with my words but theres something I want to say so I put it to music," _

_ "So what did you think of the meaning behind the song? I knew it was early and I probably shouldn't have sung it for you just yet," Connor was a little fidgety as he spoke sitting his guitar down resting it against the side of the table. He positioned his body facing mine and waited for my response. I could tell he was a little nervous as a bead of sweat began forming above his brow. "Connor you know I think its amazing, and you're not wrong to have these feeling about wanting to help me understand my feelings for you, just give me sometime okay I'm still with Taylor and she doesn't know what's been going on between us yet," I responded as truthfully as I could, probably thats the most truthful i've been to myself about our situation as well. _

_ Connor gave me an approving nod and understanding smile, he makes this so hard for me why does he have to be so perfect all the time it would be so much easier if he was an ass who just wanted to get in my pants. _

_ "Are you happy Jude? does Taylor make you happy?," Connor kind of just threw that one at me didn't he._

_ "Yeah I'm happy Taylor is amazing. She knows how to make me smile even when i'm angry, she understand exactly who I am she always has," That last line kind of left a sour taste in my mouth when I said it. Apart of me wanted to retract my statement and say well she used to but at the same time that also felt wrong because its not her fault. _

_ " I don't know Jude, I feel like if I had never left in the first place everything would be different, our relationship would have evolved into something so much more," Connors words rang in my ears with thoughts of what could have been. _

_ " I don't know what would have happened Connor, I don't know where we would be right now whether we would have continued our friendship through our this time as just friends or If we would have identified our sexuality early on and become something more. I just don't know Connor but this is where we are at right now," I spoke with certainty eager to move past this conversation as soon as possible. Connor only nodded as i spoke his body stiff while he fidgeted with his fingers between his legs. _

_ "I know Jude and i'm not going to push you into anything, I would never do that I just want you to be happy, I just want to make you happy," Connor gave me one last longful look before standing up and gathering his things. _

_ "My truck should be almost done soon, I'll see you at school on Monday," He gave me a quick half watt smile and wave before taking off towards the parking lot. _

_ "Hey where did you get that heart beat line from in your song," I asked yelling at him as he was already half way up the stairs. I had meant to ask earlier on. _

_ "I saw it when we kissed, I mean our heart beats," Connor yelled this last line before disappearing up the stairs and into the parking lot. _

_ Yeah we were far more connected than I had thought. _

I stood in the kitchen for a while slurping down my coffee waiting for my migraine from hell to hopefully come to an end sooner than later. Momma Stef walked in yawning scratching her head in a tank top and purple pajama bottoms.

"Morning Love, Jude you look like hell," Stef spoke eyeing me down.

" And I feel even worse, lesson learned hangovers are hell and alcohol is the devil," I responded with a laugh that hurt my head even more. I wasn't going to keep the fact that I got drunk last night from her there was no point.

"You both didn't inform us that was going to alcohol at this party, will talk about your punishment later go get cleaned up, wake up Taylor and get ready for school," Her voice was stern but it was to early and she wasn't awake enough to give me a proper lecture so she just pointed upstairs and gave me the death glare.

"Yes ma'am, and if it helps i'm never drinking ever again," I spoke as I made my escape up the stairs.

"GOOD!,"

I made it up to my room bypassing Momma Lena without a word as fast as possible. Taylor still layed there asleep dead to the world around her. She looked so beautiful even if with her messed up hair covering a quarter of her face, and her make up only partially removed. Taylor will always be beautiful to me, but she will no longer hold the same type of beauty as before in my eyes. I couldn't look at her the way I used to no matter how hard I tried I couldn't not anymore. And after what happened last night I don't know if she will ever forgive me when she finds out.

_Taylor and I had been planning for this party for almost two weeks now. Ryan Brady captain of my baseball team was planning a last night of summer party. Why he was doing it tonight and not yesterday was beyond me guess he just wanted everybody to be just as hungover at school on Monday as he ultimately going to be. Everybody on the team knew he kind of had a drinking problem but nobody really cared what he did as long as he continued being a star pitcher. The plan was simple after a lot of coaxing to Moms and Taylor's Aunt and Uncle we had it set up that we were going to go to the party and Taylor was going to spend the night since we would probably be getting home relatively late. Taylor would sleep in my room and I had agreed that I would camp out on the couch when we got home. We also agreed that if the party was to much and we didn't get up for school the next day we would be grounded for the whole semester. Our parents put up a tough bargain but we finally came to a agreement. _

_ Ryans house was about two blocks away so we had decided to walk there incase I got drunk and didn't want to have to drive even if it wasn't to far away. _

_ "i've heard this party is supposed to be the party of the year no one else is going to be able to top it," Taylor spoke as our hand were interlocked and swayed as we walked up to the house. Taylor looked amazing tonight, she hardly ever wore makeup she prefered not to but when she did her natural beauty was tripled she looked like a model or a superstar. _

_ "The school year is just getting started, it's hard to plan for something to be the best of the year so early on," I spoke being skeptical, and she just started laughing. _

_ " Right like those movies that come out saying this is the best movie of the year, but then a few months later they have already reviewed three or four movies the same exact way," _

_ "Exactly, this is why you're my girlfriend Taylor you always understand," I said laughing. It was so hard to act normal around her at the moment with all thats been going on lately, but at the same time it was so easy. Us together just came naturally. The way we talked to each other, the way we looked at each other, and the way we interacted with each other all came so naturally we fit together like puzzle pieces. But at the same time I felt that way with Connor as well when we weren't talking about something serious and just being us together. _

_ "And that's why you're my boyfriend, come here monkey," Taylor pulled on my hand causing me to turn to face her and lean down to give her a quick kiss before Knocking on the front door. We stood there and looked into eachothers eyes, It scared me for a second the idea of letting her look to intensely, I looked away quickly and began knocking. Taylor didn't show any signs of being suspicious by my actions. I couldn't have her finding the lies in these clandestine eyes. _

_ The party was pretty wild, It was partially Sophomores like Taylor and I, Juniors from certain sports clicks and their friends, and mostly Seniors. We split off quickly making our rounds around the house greeting all of our friends. I mostly went back and forth between the group of Sophomore boys crowding around a pullout table that was being used as a makeshift beer pong table and a group of Juniors standing near the edge of the living room. Jason one of my closest friends on the team was playing beer pong against Brent my main rival for the starting position as shortstop this year. I gave him a quick pat on the back greeting my friend before moving to the sidelines to watch the game. The boys were yelling and hollering each time a cup had been made, while the girls in the surrounding area were talking subtly to each other about who they thought was cuter and who was going to win while being loud enough on purpose for everyone to hear. I was right there with the other guys who had picked their side hoping one or the other would win " Jason if you don't win I swear you're going to get it during practice," Taunts like that along with some motivational yelling escaped my lips easily as the game progressed. _

_ Jason ended up winning with three cups left on his side, our side of the table erupted in chants patting Jason on the back, it was a good game and i'm glad he won. Nothing against Brent were teammates but its him or me this year and id rather see him lose. _

_ I spent a lot of the first hour or so at the party talking to my peers and upperclassmen who I hadn't seen much of over the past two months. Asked how there summer's had went and what not while taking sips every so often of some drink Taylor had brought to me in a red solo cup. It was a clear drink with a subtle hint of yellow and green to its coloring. I was to distracted by my conversation to ask what it was I just gave her a kiss, took it, and went right back to talking. It was good, kind of tasted a little girly compared to drinking beer or whisky but it was good regardless. tasted like vodka with a hint of pineapple and probably mixed with sprite. _

_ I needed this, I needed a distraction from everything that had been going on. Me and Taylor were both popular to the point we continuously had to circulate around the rooms full of drunk high schoolers to socialize. Taylor was a big part of the restructured dance team that Mariana had started when she was our age that has led to being a national championship team over the last two years, while I was the schools most promising upcoming baseball player from my year. We both knew how it worked and trusted each other well enough that we didn't need to spend the entire time together or attached to the others hip. __**Trust**__ that was a hard word to swallow as I thought about it. We would go from group to group and when we would run into each other we would kiss quickly and gossip a little about things we've heard or things people were doing before proceeding to another group. It was kind of the perfect situation for me at the moment I didn't want to see her to much, but I didn't want to have her expecting anything is weird or up with me either. _

_ The night progressed smoothly after two more or those drinks had previously broughten me and the last one was seviourly stronger than the last two and adding about two beers I was pretty drunk at this point. I'd been drinking a couple of times before but I wasn't experienced enough to know or understand my limits. My head was fuzzy and everything was happening in a blur. Time seemed as if it had sped up, one minute I was talking to Jason about how excited I was about the team this year, a blink later I'm dancing with Taylor in the middle of the living room while some dance beat rang in my ear, and one more blink I was in the backyard about to do a frontflip into the pool before Taylor grabbed me. _

_ "What are you doing crazy, Your phone is in your pocket and you're wearing jeans," Taylor said grabbing my arm pulling me off the diving board. _

_ "Sorry I thought it'd be fun," I gave her a drunken smile as I partially fell on top of her, drapping my arms around her neck. _

_ "Monkey I think its time to go home you're trashed,"_

_ "And why aren't you?," I asked laughing pointing my finger near her face. _

_ Taylor laughed as she started walking us towards the back gate "because I unlike you only had two drinks, and prefer a happy buzz," _

_ As we walked down the sidewalk similar to most of the night it appeared as if it happened in a blink. I do remember basic conversations, us joking about how nice it was to see everybody, we talked about how funny I was when I was drunk, and I told her I loved her shes the best thing in my life probably a million times. _

_ We got to the house and it was quiet Moms were asleep, I on the other hand was obnoxiously loud and Taylor had too keep telling me to be quiet the look on her face as caution an anger swept through it was the funniest thing in the world to me at the moment. Taylor held my hand and made me follow her up the stairs so she could make sure I wouldn't wake up the whole house in my drunken state, I followed because I wanted to see that look on her face again. _

_ I sat down on the bed and watched as Taylor closed the door behind us. _

_ She was so good to me, always taking care of me no matter what was going on in my life. I couldn't figure out if it was my drunken state or a guilty conscious that fueled my next set of actions but all I could remember thinking was, I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to show her how much I loved her. _

_ "Come here, Monkey," I spoke softly looking over at Taylor as she walked back over to me with a half smile spread across her lips._

_ "What do you want brat," Taylor gave me her signature, "you're not going to get what you want so easily look" but that only made me want her more at this moment. _

_ "Come here, Baby," I spoke again softly pulling at her waist till she was standing in between my legs looking down at me. "I love you babe, you know that right," My words were real and held truth but to what extent did they?_

_ "Yeah babe, and you know I love you too," Taylor held my face softly, gently holding my chin up so I could stare up at her beauty. The moonlight danced across the side of her face as she leaned down to give me a kiss. Our lips met and we began to follow into the motions. It was soft and slow at first gentle an sweet to provide intimacy and I couldn't help but think how soft her lips were compared to Connors. As we began to pick up speed I tried to the best of my ability to push Connor to back of my mind, as far back as I could. Tonight was about Taylor, tonight was for her not him. _

_ I scooted back so that I was fully on the bed a little more everytime we broke a way to take a breath, by the time every inch of me was on the bed and Taylor was straddling me just like Connor was the other night. It was as if she subconsciously knew what had happened. It was as if fate was forcing me to compare the both of them. Taylor's eyes were fixated on my own as I noticed a wild grin creep upon her face. "You want to now?," I asked confused we had been talking about finally losing our virginities for the last month or so. I wasn't exactly prepared for it to be tonight. _

_ "Yea now, do you want too?," She asked the question as if it was more of a statement or a demand as she started to remove her top. Taylor looked down arching her eyebrow as if to say "You better answer now," while keeping her hand in a stilled position behind her back ready to take off her bra the moment I answered. I nodded my head in the most drunken way possible not able say the words aloud. Taylor took that as a yes. _

_ The next 20-30 minutes were a blur in my memory. _

_ I remember feeling pleasure, but it wasn't the kind of pleasure I had expected to feel from my first time. I don't know if it was because I was drunk or what but I felt indifferent about the whole thing. I followed through the motions moaned in unison, kissed in unison, and held on tightly to her while she was on top of me. But it wasn't what I expected, it wasn't what I felt like it should have felt like. There was no passion. It was like I was acting out the scene of a porn. We looked good on camera but that didn't make it real. _

_I rolled over and passed out as soon as we were finished and cleaned up. I wouldn't be able to look at her again the same way, never again. These were my last thought as I was pulled into inevitable slumber. _

"Hey babe, get up we have to get ready for school," I shook apart of her leg that was uncovered by the blanket. "Let me sleep Jude or I will kill you," Taylor looked up long enough to give me the dirtiest look i'd ever seen before laying her head back down against the pillow.

I busted out laughing. "I'm going to jump in the shower you better be semi up or I am picking you up and throwing you into the shower when i'm done,"

"You wouldn't dare," Taylor only propped one eye open but it was still giving me a glare. She wasn't much of a morning person.

"Try me babe, I'm not getting grounded for a semester because you're lazy and won't get up," I grabbed my towel and headed for the shower.

The remainder of the morning went by pretty quick with only a quick lecture from the parentals on drinking and being responsible before heading off. Lucky for me Taylor isn't much of a talker in the morning as she laid her head against my passenger seat window. I wasn't ready to really talk to her, I knew in my heart that our relationship was going to change after last night and I wasn't ready to face it.

I took a quick look at Taylor at the top light. Her resting eyes closed to the morning light I couldn't help but want to enjoy this moment. I wanted to keep this picture of Taylor in my head for the rest of my life. The picture of Taylor before I eventually broke her heart. I didn't know when or how but I knew It was eventually going to happen. She caught me staring and flashed me a quick smile before closing her eyes again.

I never wanted to be the one to leave her lonely.

**Hey guys I have a feeling this is probably not going to be my greatest chapter I was really distracted while writing it a lot of stuff was going on. And I know this is starting to look a lot like a song fic but I promise you wont have to deal with it every chapter just where I think it fits. Musical credit goes to Thomas Fiss and his amazing song titled "let go". Sorry for the long wait guys promise I will try to keep the updates pretty frequent. never know where the weekend is going to take me but I will write as much as possible throughout the week. Reviews keep me motivated guys so keep them coming love yall. **


	6. Chapter 6

**So I know everybody is ready for Connor and Jude to be together already and for them to start their relationship. Were only five chapters in isn't the build up to their relationship just as important as them finally getting together? I have a couple of plot twist and idea's where to take the story but if anybody else has any ideas or suggestions i'm open to hearing them out. **

_Connors Pov_

Walking through the front doors of Anchor Beach was an almost euphoric moment. I hadn't been here, stepped through these halls in almost two and a half years. Fear settled in with a mixture of excitement and anticipation. I started making my way to my designated locker. Looking around was weird as my peers scurried around me I found myself scanning through the crowd. I wasn't looking for anybody in particular just seeing if I could recognize anybody. As my eyes lingered from group to group I could pinpoint a few here and there where I felt like I could have known them but as I tried to come up with a name to match the face, I always came to a blank.

It was disconcerting to realize that to some extent I was going to have to start over completely, but at the same time it was refreshing. I came home wanting a fresh start on life. I wanted to start over.

I found my locker with ease. Only took my second try to get the locker combination correct thank god. After I put the books I knew I wasn't going to need for my first class up I dug into my pocket eagerly to grab my phone.

_Me - SOS!_

_ Jude - What's going on lol? _

_ Me - Where are you?_

_ Jude - We just pulled in where are you?_

_ Me - 700 hall _

_ Jude - What's up with the SOS?_

_ Me - I have no clue who anybody is anymore everybody looks different _

_ Me - I'm just standing here by myself _

_ Me - so lonely _

_ Jude - OMG hahaha will be there in a min or so hold on _

"Oh my god, is that Connor Stevens,"

I looked up from my phone not able to wipe the smirk off my face but still alarmed by the sudden announce of my name from across the hall. A girl with long curly brown hair, fair skin, and enormous breast came over my way skipping from a group of girls who couldn't stop staring at me.

"Is that you Connor?," The girl asked looking up at me with gawking eyes her voice kind of high but had a sweet sound to it.

"Yeah I'm Connor, do I," I cut myself off almost instantly the moment I realized who I was speaking with. "Daria oh wow,"

Daria gave me a quick pout "I can't believe it took you that long to recognize me, we did date remember," Her smile quickly returned after giving me a quick poke to the chest with her index finger.

"Yeah sorry, I'm having a hard recognizing anybody everybody looks so different from when we were in middle school," I replied apologetically.

Daria gave me a quick smile as if to tell me it was okay and that she wasn't offended. after a couple of seconds of silence and me not knowing what to say she spoke up.

"Well it was nice seeing you Connor, and you look great BTW we should catch up sometime, find me during lunch," Daria took off back to her little group almost as quickly as she came. Didn't really know what to expect or think about seeing Daria again. Jude had said something about her going crazy or something after the accident but that didn't seem to completely be the case.

"You bored of Anchor Beach yet?,"

I would recognize that voice anywhere. My head perked up real quick at the sound of Judes voice from a few feet away. I couldn't help but let my gaze linger quickly across his body. He wore a green plaid button down, tan cargo shorts, and white slip ons to match his white undershirt. Jude always looked amazing with just one look my heartbeat started going into overdrive.

"Not exactly, You will never guess who I just ran into?,"

By this point Jude had made his way right in front of me with a girl right at his heels, was that Taylor? Oh wow she really got pretty no wonder Jude ended up with her shes a total babe! You know if you're into that kind of thing. A pinch of jealousy made its sneaky little way into my heart as my eyes dropped to noticed Jude and Taylors hands locked together. So this was my competition, the challenge just got way harder as I realized I wasn't competing with her 12 year old version anymore.

I think Jude noticed my lingering eyes on their hands because before he spoke next he quickly released the hand holding Taylor's to scratch the back of his head. "I don't know who,"

"Hi Connor, how you been," Taylor spoke up softly looking my way.

"Hey Taylor, it's nice to see you. Daria just walked by and said hi to me, are you to still friends,?" I was looking back and forth from both faces as I spoke judging their reactions. Taylor looked slightly frustrated by my question a small wrinkle was made between her brows as she made a look of disgust. While Jude looked like I had just defused a bomb and he was waiting for it to explode.

"No me and Daria are not friends anymore and we haven't been for almost two years," Taylor spoke up trying to restructure her face from rage to nothing.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you I didn't know,"

"Its a touchy subject Connor," Jude chimed in to let me know that I should just drop it while I still could.

"No I'm not mad there was no way you could have known." Taylor spoke up trying to perk up the best she could.

"Connor what are your classes? Let me see," Taylor changed the topic quickly along with her attitude as she took my class schedule from my hands. Scanning through and every so often looking back at her own which she had just pulled out. She looked up at me with a smile. I was dieing to know what happened after I left that broke up the Taylor and Daria's friendship but was smart enough to leave it be. I did make a mental note to ask Jude about it later though.

"Cool we have world history together first hour, chemistry third hour, and spanish 2 fifth hour," Taylor spoke as she handed the paper over to Jude next.

Jude looked over my schedule and back at his own a couple of times. God I hoped that we had at least one class together so I could at least see him a couple of times a day other than lunch. "We have Second hour together English Lit, Sculpting Fourth hour, And we all three have Spanish two together,"

I'd never been more happy in my life I was going to be forced to see jude at least three times a day. Jude and Taylor's eye both found their way back to me as I seemed to be mentally leaping with joy. Jude gave me a smile. I hoped that meant that he was secretly as excited as I was to be having so many classes together.

Taylor looked at me for an instant with strange intensity as if she were searching for something inside me. It only lasted for a second when her face softened and she looked back at Jude.

"Tell me again why you're taking a sculpting class?," Her question was in a way out in the open. I knew she had directed it to Jude but subtly looked over giving me the chance to answer as well.

"Easy A," Jude and I answered in unison. With a quick look to each other we both busted out into a fit of laughs and giggles. Taylor just shook her head at the two of us trying desperately to force down her smile and not laugh with us.

It was strange, for a second it was like we were all kids again laughing about something stupid nothing having changed between us what's so ever. That moment didn't last though as I realized everything had changed. We werent kids anymore and we weren't best friends anymore at least not yet. I didn't know even if I ever really could be friends with Taylor at this point. I was in love with her boyfriend, and I was pretty sure her boyfriend was in love with me too. He just didn't know it yet.

"Well class is about to start, come on Connor you're walking with me," Taylor demanding tone snapped me out of my train of thought, She didn't exactly give me the chance to accept or decline before tugging on my arm pulling me down the hall. With only enough time to look to Jude for help only to receive a simple shrug and good luck smile as he started laughing.

I attempted to follow Taylor as she picked up speed before abruptly slowing her pace to a near stop. It was so sudden I near damn ran her over. "Taylor what's going on,"

She turned around almost as quickly as she had stopped, I looked down at her confused questioning her actions. Taylor looked as if she was on the verge of tears but showed no signs of actually releasing any. She wrapped her arms around me tightly into a hug. I awkwardly returned the favor.

"Connor I'm so sorry about what happened those years ago," I understood now she wanted to apologize. My awkward return of a hug easily turned into a real one.

"Taylor It wasn't your fault, I never blamed you," I spoke softly leaning my chin down so I could whisper so only her ears could hear it. Why hadn't I thought about Taylor before this? She has been waiting for my return all this time as well. Jude and I weren't the only ones with things left unsaid.

"I know, I know but if it wasn't for my idea you would have never had to leave in the first place. You would have never had to leave Jude," Taylors words lingered in the air. What did she mean by that? Did she know how I still felt about Jude? Did she know back then.

I looked at her questionably and confused.

"Taylor,"

"I just wanted you to know how sorry I was, and that I always wanted to say that to you, and I'm glad that your back Connor more than you could know," Taylor broke from the hug and within seconds regained her composure. It astounded me how quick she could show her emotions only to hide them just as fast. Her face was inscrutable.

"Class is about to start, lets pick this up later," Her tone was cheerful as she changed the subject directing us to the classroom.

First hour went rather quickly I sat next to Taylor and we just sat there while our teacher talked about himself and his class most of the time. I was pretty distracted hung up by what Taylor had said before class. I went back and forth between deciding she had just really wanted to apologize and become friends again and the fact that she was quite possibly hiding something more behind her words.

I didn't make my suspicions known though, When she spoke I replied, when she made a joke I laughed, and when our eyes locked I held my gaze.

Class let out and we walked into the hall laughing. "I swear if he is going to lecture every class I'm failing,"

"Why do you say that," Taylor responded with a giggle as she arched her eyebrow at me.

"Because I'm going to be passed out the whole time,"

We broke out laughing again making our way around the corner heading back to 700 hall to grab books for next hour and meet up with Jude.

"What's so funny? You two," Jude looked at us from his locker with a slight hint of fear flashing through his eyes that only lasted an instant before being replaced with a look of curiosity. Was he scared that I was going to tell Taylor about us? I retracted that statement in my brain as quick as it was was no us, no me and Jude not yet, not yet.

"We have the most boring history teacher on the face of the earth," I replied nonchalantly as I walked over to my locker.

"I'm going to spend the whole year either waking Connor up or having to get used to his snoring," Taylor laughed as she stood between us.

"I do not snore!," I protested in defense which caused Jude to start busting out laughing. "Connor you snore so loud you could scare a woolly mammoth,"

I still didn't believe I snored but the fact that Jude brought up something from the past like that made my heart sway. We spent every other weekend at each others houses sleeping over as kids if anyone knew if I snored it was Jude. The memories sat kindly on my heart.

"Well I still don't believe that I snore, anyways hopefully this english clash isn't nearly as boring as history," releasing a huff as I spoke showing false signs of annoyance as I closed my locker.

"I wish I had english this hour, I'm still not awake enough to be dealing with algebra this early in the morning," Taylor sighed grabbing her math book and closed her locker with slight agitation.

"Well that's probably due to the fact that you both are hungover to holy hell," They both looked at me like I was the devil.

"How did you know," Jude asked with piercing eyes.

"I'm not stupid, you both look like yall were put through the ringer this morning and every time you see any sight of the sun you block your eyes like a vampire,"

"God Connor who knew you were so observant, thanks for saying I look like crap," Taylor spoke up first giving me an evil glare only to pull it back and stick her tongue out at me. I haven't been able to figure her out yet. Was she being playful and teasing or was she honestly offended. I couldn't find out where her buttons were was she always this hard to read?

"My bad,"

"Anyway hope none of our teachers find out, I know my moms the new principal this year and all but I could still get into a lot of trouble," Jude spoke as took off from our lockers and started heading towards our next classes.

"I'm sure we will be fine, anyway monkey my class is this way yall have fun," Taylor gave Jude a quick kiss on the cheek before heading off. The sight of this little gesture put a hole in my chest. It hurt, It wasn't like they were making out in front of me or rubbing their relationship in my face. It shouldn't have hurt as bad as it did but I couldn't help it. Every fiber of my being told me that no other lips were meant to touch Jude's body in any form or fashion but mine.

We began walking side by side in silence towards our next class.

"Hey don't look like that in front of her when she kisses me again," Jude spoke in a low whisper so no one else could hear. Apart of me wanted to be offended how dare he tell me not to make a face when someone else kisses the man of my dreams. But the other part of me understood.

"I have no clue what you are talking about," Trying to look innocent in situations was always my strong suit and I knew I pulled it off well. Jude gave me a serious look in appliance. So okay maybe I didn't pull it off that well.

"Okay, Okay I'll control myself," I laughed it off trying to ease the mood not wanting to get into another serious talk with Jude at the moment. I wanted Jude to have the chance to see me in a way that reflected who we were as friends, no when we were close to the point it almost became something more. Not like he has seen me or how I assume he saw me. Being the most dramatic and stressful situation in his life.

We walked into the class and sat down next to each other, I was half betting that Jude was going to sit as far away from me as humanly possible. Kind of glad I would have lost it.

"Okay good now we can enjoy class together," Jude shot me a quick smile before turning to face the front of the class.

The bell rang for class to start as the last bit of kids started to pour in along with who I was assuming was going to be our teacher.

"You can call me Mrs. Simmons and I will be your English Literature teacher for the remainder of the year," She stood at the front of the class writing her name on the board. Mrs. Simmons was about 5'5 thin and looked like she was fresh out of college couldn't be to many years older than us. " A lot of teachers probably start off their class going over the syllabus for the semester and year. We will go over that a little bit before the end of glass but first thing I want to do is get your minds turning just a little bit. There will be a lot of writing assignments in this class to get you all prepared for my creative writing class I expect you all to sign up for next semester. Okay so I want you two get into pairs of two and write a quick description to the best of your ability of the other person and we will share it with the rest of the class," She clapped her hands at the end of her spill as a way of indicating us to set off into groups.

"So do you want to be mine," I turned over quickly to face Jude before anybody could have the chance of stealing him from me. He nodded his head and we moved our desks together to the point they were touching looking like a longer table.

"So how are you going to describe me?," Jude asked jokingly nudging me with his elbow in the arm.

"Well this can go one of two ways, I can talk about how you look like you just got ran over and came back to life or," I didn't finish my sentence and waited for his response.

"Wow have you always been this much of a dick,"

"Yes, Yes I have and you love it," We both broke out laughing causing us to receive a quick glare from Mrs. Simmons.

"So what's the other way it can go," Jude asked in a hushed tone not wanting to get another look from our teacher.

"Well I can easily describe, in front of the whole class just how beautiful you are," I meant it as a joke and a little giggle at the end, but at the same time its exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to shout from the roof tops exactly how Jude looked in my eyes so the whole world could hear. My little joke wasn't taken as lightly as planned though. A look of horror swam across Judes face replacing the smile and giggles that was just there.

"Oh my god! You wouldn't would you?,"

"I was only joking, I wouldn't do anything that you didn't want me to do," I replied softly and looked over at Jude with all seriousness. I needed him to know that I wasn't going to push him to do anything or out him to anybody. I needed Jude to know that I would wait till he was ready and until then I would be the supportive friend.

"I know that Connor, I'm sorry I didn't mean to freak out I've just been on edge lately," Jude returned my gaze with an apologetic smile.

"I think we should get started writing before Mrs. Simmons gets mad and we never get to partner up again," I was the one to change the topic this time. I wasn't as good at these situations as I had liked. The only time I was really good at talking about my feelings was in my music or spending 3 hours preparing a speech in front of my mirror. We both nodded in unison and went to work writing. It was harder than I thought to try and describe Jude on paper it was different than writing lyrics, I had so much I could say about him but couldn't. My nerves were reaching their boiling point trying to figure this out until I felt static rush through my body from the edge of my knee and a calming sensation washed through me. Jude had positioned his knee so that it would be resting against my own. A smile creeped across my face. Normally a simple touch from Jude would send my heart beat racing on a whole new level, but in this moment when I was distressed his touch brought me more comfort and peace than anybody could imagine.

We finished our little assignment after about 10 minutes or so and groups one by one started making there way to the front to present. It was mostly rough physical descriptions and a little bit about the others lives. Just basic information. Some of the boys who were paired with some of the prettier girls in the class talked about how good looking they were and vice versa but that was about it. Jude and I had decided to go last not wanting to be upstaged by anyone. As the number of people before us started dwindling down nerves started to get the best of me. I had no clue what Jude was going to say.

It was our turn at last with a quick look towards each other followed by a nod we made our way to the front of the class. Deciding I was going to go first I began.

"Hi I'm Connor Stevens, and my partner is Jude Adams Foster. Jude is 16 years old drives a Honda Civic and Is this years future starting Shortstop. I'm sure that most of you all know that. But what you might know this is probably one of the strongest kids I know. Jude has seen more and been through more in his 16 years of living than most of you will in your lifetime. Jude doesn't come from a conventional family, and it's not the family he was born with completely but its a family full of love none the less. Jude has 1 half sister, 1 adoptive sister, 2 adoptive brothers, and 2 loving adopted mothers. I hope that one day I could be as strong as Jude one day to have seen and been through as much as he has and still come out swinging making life the best I can, Thank you," I finished and instantly turned my head from my peers to Jude. I waited in anticipation for a sign of approval or dismay. Had I gone to far? Had I said to much?

Jude didn't show me a single sign, he faced the class and began talking.

"Connor Stevens, He is 16, 6 ft something, and a talented musician. Connor has hazel eyes and has a habit of squinting his eyes every time he laughs. These are just physical things though and not a proper way of describing him. Connor Stevens is brave. This guy has one of the biggest and kindest hearts I have ever seen and a loyal friend. When he laughs you can't help but laugh with him no matter what kind of mood you're in. Connor will literally do everything in his power to help those he cares about. Connor hasn't always been the one to stand up for what he believes in, it wasn't a trait that came naturally or easily for him. But over the years he has become one of the bravest guys I know. He stands up for what he is passionate about no matter the consequences or who opposes his beliefs. He is the kind of guy that will take a bullet for the ones he loves and not even ask for a thank you.,"

If I wasn't in complete shock i'm pretty sure my mouth would be on the floor by now. Jude thought that way about me?

"Great job guys, great job can we get around of applause for these two," Mrs. Simmons spoke up from behind us starting the wave of clapping that soon filled the room. I felt good as I made my way to my desk following behind Jude. My heart was swelling and butterflies were attempting to take flight inside me.

"You think we went to far?," I asked quietly analyzing every inch of Jude's face looking for answer that ran deeper than what I was sure he was going to tell me. Our eyes locked and I noticed a small hint of a blush painted across his cheeks as a sheepish smile crept forward.

"No I think it turned out perfect,"

**Tried to throw little hints here and there with foreshadowing but decided this chapter was mostly meant to be lighthearted seeing a little bit of school life in Connors eyes. **

**Chapters a little bit shorter than normal its been a crazy week and i've been really distracted also suffering from a slight writers block so I'm just going to do the best I can at the moment. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Just wanted to say thank you to everybody for your amazing reviews. Yall are why i'm still writing this :) also to have so many people following my story is awesome. **

_Judes Pov_

I sat in third hour unable to concentrate what's so ever. Jason was sitting next to me going on and on about the team. He was excited about no longer being the fresh meat of the team, and being able to do all the same hazing traditions on the new kids that our upperclassmen had done to us. I could only nod, smile, and laugh as it seemed fit so he wouldn't realize I wasn't paying attention to anything he was saying in the slightest.

I was still hung up on that little description assignment Connor and I had to do last hour in English. I was in complete shock by what Connor had said about me in his speech. He had gone on about how strong I was and how he wished he could be more like me. It was such a honor to be thought about like that especially from Connor, but at the same time I didn't feel nearly as strong as he had portrayed me to be. Yes I've been strong willed for as long as I could remember and I've always gotten through everything in my life one way or another, but strong? That's completely opposite term for how I felt at the moment especially with everything going on lately, I felt weak in more way than one.

I replayed the scene in my head over and over.

For my project I had just basically written a little on the descriptive side of how Connor looked. I wrote how Connor was freakishly tall for his age, his slight obsession with everything plaid,and a little bit on how he was a talented musician and athlete. But after hearing Connors speech I was speechless. There was no way I could just say all that plain jane stuff like the rest of the class. I took a deep breath and threw away my previously scripted lines. I spoke from the heart about Connor. Who Connor Stevens was seen through my eyes and described him as such. It was so difficult in those moments of improvisation and truth to not blast out exactly how I felt about him then and there. I scripted it just enough in my head to let the class see what they needed.

"Are you even paying attention to me," Jason spoke suddenly shaking me out of my own head. I had know clue what he had just been talking about.

"Sorry I'm kinda distracted what were you saying,"

"Brent was talking to the guys last hour saying how there was no way you were going to beat him for that starting spot this year," Jason continued shrugging off my absence in the conversation like it was nothing. Reason why Jason makes a good friend number 1, he doesn't pry into anything when it comes to me, he just accepts everything I give him and leaves everything else be.

"Wow what a dick, you don't see me over here talking smack about him," I responded kind of agitated. I understood that we are both going after the same spot on the team but were still on the same team. There was no reason for this kid to be such an ass, but thinking back on it I never really remembered him and I getting along in the first place.

"I know right, I think he's just worried about the fact that you're a way better player than he is, and there is no way in hell you aren't winning when tryouts start," Another reason why Jason makes a good friend? Number 2 he makes a habit of praising you at exactly the right time to make you feel better about anything.

I laughed and gave him a giant smile, "Thanks man, and you know the second Ryan graduates you're going to be our ace pitcher,"

We both were gleaming as we fist bumped and boomed into laughter.

"Anything you boy's think is so funny you would like to share with the whole class," Mr. Chapman broke from his spill on how his class was going to look for the first part of the year to stare me and Jason down.

Mr. Chapman looked to be in his mid 70s or older with a thick white moustache that he probably should have left in the 70s. He looked as if he had little to no patience with kids and would snap on you the moment you pissed him off. I'm pretty sure the only reason he is still teaching is so he could bore his kids to death as a form of torture

"No sir," We both said in unison putting our heads down but still not being able to hide our lengthening grins.

The class proceeded in the same fashion. Me deep in thought about Connor, Jason and I getting into trouble for talking to much, and after a couple of minutes of silence and inner laughing starting the whole process over again.

"Dude i'm pretty sure Mr. Chapman is already out to get us," I spoke up as we were exiting the classroom.

"Man this class is going to be tough, first time he fails me I'm going to make it my mission to be so bad he moves me out of his class," Jason laughed with a serious tone, and I knew he was. Jason was known to be a troublemaker with good grades. Most teachers just learned to put up with him because he was such a good student academically but those who didn't put up with him unwillingly sign up to take part of his "game" of "Classroom Chicken". Its a slightly demented game where he sees who will give first, Will the teacher end up getting so tired of his crap and let him do whatever he wants as long as he passes or Will he end up getting in enough trouble that the teacher requests that he is transferred out of his class.

"You are a sick and twisted individual you know that right?," I left that comment in the air as I pushed him.

"Lifes a game Jude, Its always fun to see who is going to come out the winner," Jasons grin was evil and mischievous as he laughed maniacally down the hall heading in the opposite direction as me.

"If you get kicked out of this class i'm going to be so pissed," I shouted down the hall towards him laughing.

"Yeah, Yeah see ya at lunch," Jason just waved at me without turning around.

I didn't have time to run to my locker and see Taylor before class so I started making my way to the art hall where I had sculpting with Connor for the next hour. It was weird the more I realized that Connor wasn't going to push me to define what was happening between us, the more I looked forward to seeing him.

Walking into class only seconds before the starting bell I spot Connor instantly at one of the back tables by himself. His face lit up the moment I walked in as he motioned for me to come and sit next to him. Seeing him smile could possibly have been the highlight of my day. It was hard for me to explain to even myself but the sight of him flashing his 100 watt smile at you was like you had spent days in nothing but darkness and the moment he widens his grin you are surrounded by the most beautiful light in existence.

` "How was Third hour," I asked sitting down in the seat closest to him.

"It wasn't bad our chem teacher started off by making flames in the bunsen burner change colors,"

"That's cool did Taylor freak out I know she loves stuff like that,"

"Yeah her face kind of lit up when it happened then she got disappointed I'm pretty sure she was hoping for some kind explosion," Connor and I both started laughing, I was glad they were getting along but some part of me felt like I shouldn't let them get to close. It was like I needed them in two separate parts of my life.

"Taylor has a thing for chemical explosions shes kind of a freak like that,"

We sat in silence while our teacher Mrs. Fuller a kind of ditzy woman in her 30s gave us a list of all the major assignments we would be partaking in this semester.

"Jesus I hate the first day of school, I feel like i'm constantly sitting through a repeat every hour, all the teachers do the same exact thing going over the syllabus for the year and what not," I spoke under my breath but loud enough for Connor to hear me.

"I know what you mean, Its been like this all day. well at least english wasn't so bad," Connor leaned in to whisper.

"Yeah at least English was fun," I gave him a weak smile before falling back into silence as our teacher walked through the isle near us still talking.

As soon as she passed and was no longer in ear shot I looked over to Connor determined to ask him a few questions. "So Connor is that what you really think about me,"

"what do you mean," he asked in his "I have no clue what you are talking about," tone that I found cute, but wasn't going to work on me this time.

" I mean It Connor, do you really think I'm as strong as you said I was?." I asked pleading to him at this point almost making me raise my voice above a whisper.

"Well you could use a little work on your biceps," Connor pinched my arm while shooting a smirk my way.

"Yeah Jude everything I said in class was true, and then some I think you are amazing I always have," I was relieved to see Connor finally being serious but his words still weighed heavy on my heart.

"I don't always feel that amazing or that strong," I couldn't help but look down as I spoke as the weight on my heart sunk me down into my seat.

"It's okay, because i do and I think everyone else who meets you does too. I don't always feel that brave you know," Connor brought his face closer to mine. I couldn't help but look up at him feeling the need to defend him.

"Connor you are the epitome of brave, You took a bullet for me for gods sake and I never even properly thanked you for it," I spoke not able to control my volume level at this point causing a couple of the kids right in front of me to turn back and stare for a moment.

"I would do it again, No thank yous required,"

"I know you would, thats the hard part you are always being brave. I'm not nearly as strong as you make me out to be," I was ready to go bury my head in the dirt like an ostrich at this point. I know I started this serious discussion and I was regretting every instant of it.

"Jude, I'm not always brave. I wasn't that brave when I let my dad bully me into hiding how I felt for two years, You don't always have to be strong you can rely on other people. You are strong where it counts Jude when things happen and everyone else is pissing there pants you take the lead, thats the kind of person you are," Connor had gotten a little loud at this point and now more kids were looking at us with looks of confusion and suspicion on their faces. I responded with giving them a "mind your own fucking business" look of my own and they quickly turned back around.

"Thanks Connor I needed that," My reply was short but my smile was real. Connors words were like hands on my heart lifting it back into place. I wanted to become the man that was seen through his eyes, but there was still a small voice in the back of my mind. _You're fine how you are right now. _

"So I've been meaning to ask you, what happened between Daria and Taylor?," I was glad for the change of subject but not to happy with the topic. I guess he was going to find out eventually better he hear our side first then Daria's later on.

" After you got shot, and you know how you kissed me in front of everybody?,"

"Yeah?," I could see the wheels turning and memories flash through his eyes.

"Well Daria kinda went a little crazy after the incident, She freaked out and started all these different rumors around the school," I paused straining my head to find all the memories of what had been said. It had been years and I tried to keep that part of my life in the back of my mind for a long time.

"What kind of rumors?," Connor asked with focus, hanging on to every word that slipped from my lips.

"Well she started telling the whole school that she had seen us kiss that night and that you had been cheating on her with me," thinking about what I had said and that rumor wasn't as much a rumor as it had been the truth. There was a small twitch in Connors brow as his look intensified.

"Granted that is what was happening, she didn't know that completely and had no right to tell the whole school school about our relationship," Connor had a flash of anger that quickly transpired to a look of apology as I could see him rethinking that last sentence in his head.

"I mean she had no right to tell the school about us kissing, we weren't exactly in a secret relationship at that point," I laughed a little at his recovery.

"How did you respond to those rumors, it had to be rough for you i'm sorry," Connor could showcase so many different emotions for me in a matter of seconds it was endearing.

"Well there wasn't much I could do at that point to defend myself, I had started my mute thing again, so Taylor did a lot of defending for me," I paused for a breath to see flashes Taylor punching a kid in the face, who had just pushed me against a locker calling me a fag. A smiled creeped in as I could still see the young girl on top of the boy punching and yelling. Taylor was always my savior when things got rough, especially after Connor was no longer there to protect me.

"But the worst part was since Taylor was protecting me Daria saw her as an enemy, They renounced each other as friends when Daria started a rumor that Taylor's Dad had shot as us on purpose, and then proceeds to call Taylor a fag hag attempting to make her life miserable throughout most of 8th grade," remembering those years left a lump in my throat making it hard to finish my sentence.

"Wow that's fucked up, I always knew she was kind of a bitch but damn thats fucked up Jude, I'm sorry you had to deal with it," Connor spoke softly you could feel his sympathy even in a gentle whisper.

"It's cool we're both past it, everybody seemed to forget about it once I joined the baseball team in 8th grade, and Taylor regained her popularity last year joining the dance team so we try not to think about it to much, We still both strongly dislike Daria, okay well Taylor thinks she should fall off a bridge somewhere, but we both mostly try to ignore her existence all together," I laughed a little at my joke which wasn't really a joke Taylor used to create scenarios of Daria being brutally injured in a terrible accident or something. I cringed a little thinking about it glad Taylor was past the whole Daria should die by fire phase it got scary for a while.

"Still I'm so glad and thankful for Taylor being there for you and not just siding with Daria, but I can't help but feel like I should have been there taking the hit for those rumors, not you or Taylor," Connor's voice was fueled with rage, guilt,and sympathy all at the same time. I just looked at him and started shaking my head.

"You can't let yourself get caught up thinking about the past like that, Yeah it would have been better if you had been there, It would have been better if you had never left at all. But we can't change the past, and we couldn't have controlled what happened, neither of us could have. You're here now thats all that matters right?," Looking into Connors eyes I gave him my best attempt at his 100 watt smile to try and make him feel better. And I think it worked if only a little bit as his face lightened up a bit. He gave me a fake half watt smile. Hey I'll take a half watt smile over a no watt smile any day.

"I know Jude, I just can't help but think about what would have been different, what I could have prevented," Our eyes were locked as he spoke. I understood what he was saying but felt as if there was more to his words than what I was initially picking up on. It was more than him preventing me from getting bullied, It was more than him thinking we would have gotten together if he never left, and It was more than him just being there in general. I couldn't put my finger on it, I might have been paranoid or just going crazy but I couldn't help having this feeling in my gut.

"I know Connor, I know,"

We sat quietly for the remainder of the class for the most part. Only comments here and there on how Mrs. Fuller looked like a duck when she walked, or making a bet on how many times Jacob Rodgers would raise his hand to ask a stupid question that was completely irrelevant to the class before lunch. I won with 14. Connor would occasionally look at me with sympathetic eyes to make sure I was okay, while I would nod and give him a reassuring smile.

The bell rang for lunch and we made our ways out the door.

We made our way to the lunch room and waited for Taylor to find us before going in to get our food. Some kind of salisbury steak was on the menu for today along with veggies and fruit, Reasons why I should remember to not be hungover and get up early enough to make my own lunch before school. After everybody was done getting there lunch we started making our way to the quad where we had always eaten outside. Taylor was going on about some girl in her class who was beyond incompetent and Connor chimed in with how Jacob would ask the dumbest questions all class long. We started to sit down when Taylor spoke up.

"Connor is it cool if I eat alone with Jude today? Theres some things I want to talk to him about and I don't know if I'm going to get the chance to talk to him about it later," Taylor made this request without it really being a request. I had no clue what she wanted to talk to me about and fear started to set in. Connor looked to me for reassurance that this was okay, and I could only nod my head.

"It's cool Daria wanted me to find her during lunch," His comment sent Taylor into a fit before he could even finish.

"You can stay if it means you are going to go hangout with Daria, don't go hangout with her," Taylor started on her spill but was cut off by Connor in return.

"No It's okay Taylor, there is a couple of things I want to say to her," Connor left with determination in his eyes.

"Wow I can't believe he is going to go have lunch with her," Taylor started off right after Connor left fuming.

"I told Connor about what happened after he left, I'm assuming he going to go tell her exactly what he thinks about her behavior," I defended Connor quickly and effortlessly. Upon hearing my words Taylor's rage simmered down and instantly shifted to excitement.

"Oh my god! Can we go watch," I could only laugh as I could only imagine the list of scenarios going through her head at this very moment.

"No, Let him do this on his own i'm sure he will tell us about it later, now what did you want to talk about monkey?," I wasn't exactly excited about whatever conversation we were about to discuss but I needed her to get off her anti-Daria fix. All I knew was "we need to talk" are the four most terrifying words known to mankind. Taylors expression shifted softly from serious to apologetic. This didn't look good.

"So we haven't really had the chance to talk about last night yet," Taylor said these words as if she was getting ready to step on some egg shells. I wasn't ready what's so ever to start discussing last night with her. All I knew for sure was that we got drunk, had sex, and it didn't feel right for me.

"Yeah, you didn't wake up until first hour," I was trying to joke around but i'm sure she could feel how uneasy this conversation was going to be for me.

"I was hungover, leave me alone," She responded defensively only to play with my humor as she reached across the table to punch me in the arm.

"Regardless we lost our virginities last night Jude, thats a big deal," Taylor was serious without really being serious.

"I know I was there too, I think," I continued with the jokes.

"All I'm saying is that I don't think that was the right time to do it, We were both drunk, well I was really tipsy you were drunk, It happened and theres nothing we can do about it," Taylors words were hitting me like an arrow right in the gut. Could she tell how not into it I really was? Granted I was drunk but damn was I that bad?

"I know I was drunk, was it really that bad though," I wasn't as offended as I was making myself out to be but figured making her feel a little guilty would help my case in a way.

"No, no Jude thats not what I was meaning, I'm just saying we were both pretty messed up and it didn't feel right. It could have been more romantic," Didn't feel right. Yep she hit that nail on the head. But I doubt she understood exactly why it didn't feel right, not like I was beginning to.

"I'm sorry babe, I get what you mean and next time we have sex we will plan it out better, but to keep the record straight I wasn't bad right?,"

"You were amazing," I knew she was lying, and we both started laughing but I appreciated it. I was glad this conversation had came to an end and the awkwardness from last night that I had been feeling all day with her were gone momentarily. I couldn't help but feel like I was lying when I told her that the next time would be more romantic. Because I knew deep down there wasn't going to be a next time. Taylor and I wont ever have sex again.

_Sixth Hour_

I sat down next to Taylor in Spanish while Connor was coming into the room. He sat right behind me, Taylor didn't give him enough time for his butt to touch the seat before flipping around to face him.

"So what happened during lunch," Taylor asked dieing to know all the gossip.

"Well I ate a really gross salsbury steak," Connor replied nonchalantly before giving Taylor a wicked grin. Connors way of dodging answers was so much funnier when he wasn't dodging your own.

"I'm Talking about what happened with Daria dork," I could see her getting impatient as her fingers danced across the back of her desk chair.

"Oh that," Connors way of speaking and Taylors face was priceless I couldn't help but burst out giggling at them.

"Come on Connor, tell her before she has an aneurysm," I spoke in between laughs and Connor complied after flashing me his smile.

"Well If thats what you wanted to know, why didn't you just ask? Well I found Daria's group across the quad and sat down with them to eat," He paused to wait and get a reaction out of Taylor before looking back at me.

"Connor!," Taylor started nearly pleading before he continued.

"I didn't really say much at first just ate my lunch, let Daria introduce me to all of her little girlfriends, She went on about how good looking I was and how me and her dated for a while. I guess she was trying to Impress her friends, and after listening for about five minutes of them talking shit about a couple of kids. I stood up looked at Daria and told her," He gave it one more pause as Taylor was on the edge of her seat about to fall over screaming.

"I told her that I knew what she had done to you both and I was disgusted with the fact that I had ever dated her. I proceeded to tell her that she and her little friends were all stuck up bitches and not to come around me," Connor sat back into his seat, crossed his arms, and wore a "its whatever" look on his face while trying to hide his growing grin.

"Oh My God! Connor I could kiss you right now I wish I had seen her stupid little face," Taylor was literally rolling in her chair laughing. I was proud of Connor for telling Daria off for us even when he knew he didn't have to.

"Don't do that I think Jude might get jealous," Connor said with a laugh giving me a little wink and also looking for my response to his little act of allegiance towards us.

"I'm sure, but really Connor thanks. You know you didn't have to do that right?," I asked never unlocking my eyes from his.

"I know I didn't , I wanted too. I needed her to know there was no way I was going to be friends with her or anything else for that matter. Yall are my friends not her," He spoke with a seriousness and passion I hadn't seen before. Not from him to this extent at least.

"Settle down I know Its the first day of school and it's nearing the end of the day, but we still have some things to discuss," Mr. Garcia grabbed our attentions with ease. His voice was so loud I felt like it could have broken glass.

"Now that you are all listening let me tell you that this, is Spanish 2 and I want all of you to the best of your abilities to only speak Spanish while you are in my classroom, This is starting now do you understand?,"

"_sí," _The whole classroom chimed in to answer with yes. Probably the easiest word to say and spanish and the only word no one ever really forgets.

After about 10 minutes of listening to Mr. Garcia switch back and forth from english to spanish while going over his syllabus I was finding it hard to keep up. Granted I did pretty good in Spanish last year I didn't retain nearly enough of it over the summer. Mr. Garcia didn't look like he came from mexican descent what's so ever. He was just really tan and relatively good looking for someone who appeared to spend way to much time in a tanning bed or at the beach. I saw Taylor from my peripherals turn to face Connor. On instinct my head moved to follow her movements.

" _Connor qué quieres ir al cine con nosotros el viernes?,_" Taylor asked some question to him in Spanish and we both just look at her dumbfounded.

"Huh?," was Connors only response as he had this whole dazed and confused look spread across his face.

"I asked if you wanted to go to the movies with us on friday?," Taylor easily translated her previous sentence while giving both of us the, "how did you not get that" look.

Connor looked over at me before saying a word once again checking for my every reaction. "If its cool with Jude I don't want to intrude,"

"It's cool with me," I replied before I even thought about what I was saying. Wait when did we make plans to go to the movies?

"Okay, cool then were all going to see that new spiderman movie," She spoke in a gentle whisper but you could hear the excitement in Taylors voice. What was she up to?

" In our short years we have witnessed more spider man remakes than romeo and juliet," Connor was chuckling at his own joke.

"Thats going a little far, this is only the third one," I responded defensively secretly having an undying love for anything superhero related.

We continued to joke around for most of the class period but I couldn't help but keep thinking that Taylor was up to something. We hadn't made plans to go to the movies this weekend before just now so why did she make is seem like it had been. And if she wanted to go on a date why did she invite Connor? Making Connor feel like the third wheel didn't sit right with me. But I was eager to figure out what she was up to. I had a bad feeling this situation wasn't eventually going to turn out well for anyone.

I made it home with haste wanting some alone time, I knew both my moms wouldn't be home for another couple of hours. Lena had a meeting or two and Stef wouldn't get home till at least five. I threw my book bag down next to my desk and jumped onto my bed sprawled out staring at the ceiling. Today was crazy.

Woke up hungover, had some serious conversations with both Taylor an Connor, and made plans to go to the movies with the two of them. Yeah pretty crazy first day the only easy part for once was baseball for the sheer fact that all we did was get our assigned lockers and hangout meeting the new freshmen.

I was only gifted with silence and the sound of my voice in my head for approximately 30 minutes before my phone started going off.

_Facetime request from Callie _

I was quick to answer I haven't really had the chance to talk to my sister that much since she left to go back to school a couple of weeks ago. After a second of loading and connecting Callies face popped up on my screen.

"Jude! Omg its so good to see your face," Callie was busting with excitement as if she hadn't seen me in months. I couldn't help but laugh she was always like that. A few days could feel like weeks to her. She has always had issues being away from me, I couldn't say that I didn't either but it wasn't to her extent. I loved her to death but I was so glad when she went to college and stopped acting like a mother hen.

"I miss you too, Callie," I replied smiling giving her a little wave.

"How was your first day kiddo," she waved back I could tell she was walking somewhere as the scenery behind her shifted with every other step.

"It was good, How are your classes? Where are you going?," I asked straining my eyes to try and follow her movement on camera.

"Classes are fine some harder than others, I'm on my way to go meet up with Brandon were going to get something to eat and then call moms," Callie spoke in between breaths looking from the camera to whatever was in front of her every other word.

"Tell Brandon I miss him when you see him," I spoke up missing my oldest brother like crazy along with all my other siblings.

"I will we are going to facetime with moms during dinner, so you will also get the chance to tell him yourself,"

"Okay cool deal,"

"Tell me something interesting while I'm walking across campus Jude," I could easily tell she was bored and probably the main reason why she called me.

I didn't know what to say really so I just told her the most interesting thing I could think of. " Well you won't believe who is back in town,"

"Who?"

I paused for a moment before saying his name aloud. "Connor, Connors home,"

"Connor!," Callie screamed so loud it hurt my ears coming from the phone. Callie made an abrupt stop making sure to look at me through the screen.

"Connor, as in your Connor?," Callie questioned quickly obviously entertained by this bit of gossip.

"Why does everybody call him my Connor," I asked more to myself than to her, but waited for a answer regardless.

"He's always been your Connor, Anyway tell me everything," she demanded as she started walking again.

I proceeded to tell her bits and pieces of everything that had occurred over the past week. I told her about the kiss, and while being shocked she didn't seem all that surprised saying something along the lines that she had always thought that he might have feeling for me, and then questioned how I felt about it. I didn't really want to get into it on what my feelings were for the fact that I didn't even know myself. I told her a little about Connors life out in Nevada and how it wasn't exactly the best two years for him. Thinking about it in depth retelling his situation again it hurt me to think about it, left a pain in my heart that I couldn't get rid of with ease. I couldn't even have imagined being in Connor's place, living with his bigot of a father and his abuse. It only reinforced my belief on just how brave he was. Standing up to a man who had been physically abusing you for years was probably the most difficult thing I could ever think of doing. While hurt fueled my heart a sense of pride began to swell.

I eventually got to the party and received a long lecture on how I wasn't supposed to be drinking and all that good stuff. Momma Callie over here. When she was done with her lecture she informed me that she had to get off but wanted to talk later and before I could even answer she was gone.

Finally having a moment to think I layed down my head. I knew that I was going to be spending the whole rest of the week anticipating for what was going to happen on Friday.

**Here you go guys let me know what you think? Question for the writers out there how long does it normally take you to write a decent size chapter? It takes me most of the day on and off to get down everything thats in my head and then edit it, was just wondering if that was normal or if I was just slow lol. **


	8. Chapter 8

**That season finale was crazy I can't believe they left us with that cliffhanger. Oh well heres Ch 7. This is still rated T I don't like writing smut but I do like to get as close as possible to an extent so here you go guys an gals this chapter is full of nothing but Jonner and oh wait more Jonner**

_Connors Pov_

I started making my way from the parking lot up to the theatre. It was nostalgic being back here after so many years. Last time I was here was on a double date with Jude, Taylor, and Daria. The memories flashed quickly before my eyes as I started heading up the stairs where Jude and Taylor were waiting for me.

"God I haven't been to this movie theatre in years, nothings changed at all," I spoke once I was within earshot of the others. Jude looked great with his black and blue flannel button down and his dark jeans. It took every inch of resolve in my body not to pounce on him right then and there. Why did he have to look so good all the time with his copycat fashion and piercing brown eyes?

" Wow now that I think about it, you probably haven't been here since you were dating satan," Taylor spoke up laughing as she acknowledged my presence and made her way through the tall glass doors. Little did Taylor know is that I never came here because I wanted to spend time with my evil ex girlfriend.

"Enough Taylor, lets enjoy the movie without talking about Daria at least for the night," Jude looked slightly annoyed as he followed Taylor inside. Was he upset that I was here?

"Well either way I hope this installment is better than the last one," I wanted to change subjects as quickly as possible hoping to get Jude in a better mood.

Jude whipped around with a fierceness in his eyes. "The last spider man series could have been amazing if Sony hadn't fucked it up. Andrew Garfield was the perfect spider man,"

"Personally I'm pro Toby as spiderman," I responded quickly trying to antagonize his inner superhero nerd. I could see him trying to hide it but I knew him to well.

"Oh My God! we can no longer be friends, Toby Maguire was an awful spiderman he almost ruined the franchise,"

We both would laugh in between jabs at each other on who played a better spider man. I liked this I missed our arguments on stupid things that didn't even matter. It was these little moments that meant the world to me, it was in these moments that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

"Okay nerds you both can fight about this later," Taylor caught our attention directing our attention to the empty spots in front of the ticket booth.

"Our bad," Jude replied smiling moving between Taylor and I to the front.

"Can I get Three tickets for Spider Man the 8:45 showing,"

"Hey I can pay for my own, you know?," I asked making my way past Taylor to stand beside Jude as I started to pull out my wallet.

"No it's cool I got it, we invited you to go with us. Its on me," Jude flashed me a reassuring smile and I swear my heart melted right then and there. I being the manly man I am don't prefer to have other people buy things for me, but for Jude to do it some part of me loved it.

"Okay,"

We made our way through the ticket area and spent the next 5 minutes trying to decide how big of a popcorn did we need for the three of us. We ultimately agreed for a medium popcorn and three medium drinks. I happily paid for this half of the night.

"Which theatre are we in?," Taylor asked as she took the popcorn from my hands, and raced to the butter dispenser i'm assuming to attempt to drown every last popped kernel.

"We are in Theatre 14, Lets hurry up it starts in two minutes,"

I followed Judes lead with Taylor right at our heels i'm assuming contemplating going back for more butter, Sticking to my soft drink tonight definitely don't need that much butter in my life.

The theatre was surprisingly empty with only ten or so more people, granted this movie has already been out for almost a month I didn't expect it to be this quiet.

"So where do you guys want to sit,"

"Well all the seats are open up top, I'd rather sit closer to the middle," Taylor answered not even waiting for a reply. I looked over to Jude to see if this was okay with him, His reply was simple an approving nod before making his way up the stairs.

We sat with Taylor closest to the middle of the aisle, Jude next to her, and me on his right. It brought back pleasant memories being at the movies with them two this time gladly missing Daria. The movie started almost as soon as we sat down and got situated.

I loved previews they were probably my favorite part of going to see a movie in theatres. The chance to run through about 15 minutes of previews and a glimpse of all the possible movies I could be dieing to see in the near future. As the lights dimmed to almost nothing and everyones low whispers came to a halt the movie finally started to begin.

I sat in my seat quietly trying to focus on the movie and resist the urge to look over at Jude every five minutes just to see his reaction to what was happening on screen. It was in these next couple of minutes of complete, perfect, and undeniable concentration that my efforts were broken when Jude moved his hand to the armrest next to mine. I could no longer keep my thoughts or eyes on the movie what's so ever. After a few minutes I was able to bring my gaze back to the screen only to be brought back down with the slight extension of his pinky towards my own. I couldn't believe what was happening. Was Jude reenacting the last time we were at the movies together? My heart felt as if it was going to beat straight out of my chest with every breath. I was scared to move, terrified to react, what if any sudden movement I made caused him to retract? It was like our breaths were insync and with every release of air his finger would move have a centimeter closer to my own.

_1 breath, 2 breaths, 3 breaths_

The second the tips of our fingers connected I could've sworn I'd seen sparks. It was like lightning had struck only to send small jolts pulsating from the tip of my finger straight to my heart. I'd never thought my heart could beat this fast before without exploding. In another two breaths his pinky was on top of mine waiting for a reaction, waiting for a sign of approval. I was eager to comply as I inched my pinky farther under his own. Jude took this gesture as acceptance and proceeded in a quick motion of moving his to entwine with my own. I followed suit so that our pinkies were properly together and it was like the world had stood still. I could feel Judes heartbeat pulsing through his finger, the background noise from the movie was almost incoherent, and it was like Jude and I were the only ones in the room. It was in this instant this place in time that I knew, I knew all over again that I was going to love Jude Adam - Foster for the rest of my life.

_Judes pov _

As I sat down in between Connor and Taylor I felt as if my mind was being split in two. Taylor had been getting on my last nerve this whole week. Ever since Connor had told off Daria in the quad Taylor has been on a ongoing _I hate that bitch_ tirade for the whole week. Sure I didn't much care for the girl either but I didn't want to spend the whole day, every other day trash talking her. While on the other hand with every passing day I couldn't help starting to realize just how attracted to Connor I really was. With every look my way I felt like a fangirl on the edge of fainting. It was weird the more I realized how attractive Connor was, I also was beginning to see the reality of my relationship with Taylor. I wasn't attracted to her in the same kind of way. Not even close. But there was a voice in the back of my mind that shouted every time I thought about leaving her.

_You can't leave Taylor yet, you can't leave her lonely. You don't know what you want yet. _

I couldn't help but listen every time that voice spoke to me, even if I knew that the voice wasn't always my own.

We were about 10 or so minutes into the movie and I had no clue what was going on. I was lost in my own mind. I needed a distraction something to stabilize or clearify my spiraling emotions. I looked over and Taylor had 100 percent of her focus on screen, only looking down to make sure her hand was properly making it into the popcorn. I loved that about her, Taylor was such a complex individual. She was the girl with a million faces one minute happy with no care in the world, next anger like you've never seen, and then she could show you compassion that would make your heart melt. I've been with Taylor for almost a year now and I've still been unable to figure out which faces were real and which ones were only there for other people. But this face she was making I always knew was real. It was the look of focus in her eyes as she fell into the world of a movie or book that I found most endearing.

No matter how much I cared or loved her she wouldn't be able to put my mind at ease, not the way I needed it to be. So I looked over and saw Connor staring blankly at the screen. He looked as if his eyes were straining to keep focus. I couldn't tell you why I did it but I suddenly felt the need to put my hand on the armrest as close to Connors as possible.

It was in this gesture that I found my distraction.

Memories brought back to life at just the right moment revealed how I had been in this situation before, only in reverse. Apart of me said I just needed a distraction from what was going on between me and Taylor while another part of me needed to know what was going on between me and Connor. Anxiety swept through my body as I inched my pinky toward his. I felt like I was doing something wrong but the adrenaline that pumped through my veins from the idea of getting caught was exciting. It was as if time was slowing down around me. With every breath I inched my pinky to shorten the gap.

_1 breath, 2 breaths, 3 breaths. _

At last our pinky's connected. My gaze never left the screen but I could swear if anyone had been looking at me right now, they would have seen a mix of desperation and anticipation sweep across my face as the sweat collected. This initial contact sent my heart racing a million miles per hour. But this wasn't enough. Within another two breaths I managed to cover Connor's pinky with my own. It was his turn now, I needed him to make the next move. I needed to see a sign from Connor that my intentions in this moment weren't in vain, that my need to feel him wasn't unrequited.

Connor gently nudged his pinky even farther under mine.

A sense of relief washed through me as I took Connor's pinky into my own. My heart was still racing but it wasn't from panic or anticipation like I had been used to for the last two weeks. My heart was racing from pure excitement and joy. For the first time in weeks I felt okay, I felt like nothing else mattered. Not the unobvious struggles in my relationship with Taylor, not my stress over what's going to happen in baseball, and not even my undefined feeling for Connor. Right now everything just felt okay, nothing could go wrong as long as I stayed connected to this boy beside me. Reality wouldn't come to light as long as my pinky stated entwined with his.

I couldn't help but sport my own 100 watt smile that shined brightly along side Connors.

Connor and I stayed like this throughout the rest of the movie. I couldn't tell you a single thing that happened in the movie other than the fact that Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive spider, and that his Uncle Ben died. And I'm assuming that wasn't news to anyone and if it was? Those people have been hiding under a rock for the last 50 years. I mean Spider-man's Origin story was the most well known origin story in the world.

Besides that though I spent half of the movie basking in the feeling of warmth that seemed to be radiating from my pinky throughout my whole body. It wasn't just a warmth thought of as temperature or heat. It was so much more than that. If I had to explain it I would compare it to, the first feel of warmth you get as the sun breaks through the clouds and dances across your skin. Its the warmth that tells you this shitty cloudy day is finally going to turn around. While I spent the other half of the movie switching between moments of euphoria and a desperate need to analyze and figure out exactly what this all meant. Figure out exactly what all these feeling meant. And once I finally came to a conclusion I knew I had to act fast before I lost all motivation. Before I lost this feeling and the other half of my mind took over.

The movie ended and we broke our connection the moment credits started rising up the screen. I could feel Connors resistance as I pulled away and I knew how he must have felt because I was feeling it to, but I knew that the moment the credits began Taylors attention would be on us.

"Oh My God, That movie was crazy, best Spider-man movie ever," Taylor spoke with excitement as she faced our way bursting with energy. Her quick turn to our direction near damn gave me a heart attack.

"It was okay, still think Andrew Garfield played a way better Spider-man they should have recasted him," I needed to say something. Taylor would have gotten suspicious if I didn't at least banter a little bit on the movie, couldn't let her know that I didn't pay attention to a second of it.

"I still think they should have recasted Toby just saying,"

"Are you kidding me! 1 he is way to old to be playing a high schooler and 2 he is made and awful Peter Parker," I was quick to relive our previous argument. Thank you Connor for your never ending subtlety.

"You two are ridiculous, lets get out of here," Taylor stood up rolling her eyes at the two of us. Mission accomplished she hasn't noticed a thing.

We made our way out of the theatre and headed to the exit. "Hey I have to go to the bathroom, anybody else need a piss break," I asked question in the air to both parties but let my eyes linger on Connor long enough to hopefully leave a hint for him to follow me.

"My bladder is about to explode," Connor said lifting his hands. Thank god he wasn't just cute but could also take a hint.

"I'm good I'll wait by the car," Taylor took off towards the exit skipping. She was in way to good of a mood. Couldn't tell if it was because she liked the movie that much or was on a popcorn high.

We stood in the urinals side by side with only a divider between us. I didn't dare look down and kept my eyes up in the air. "Hey ask your Aunt if you can sleep over at my place,"

Connor looked over my way with an arching brow and smirk plastered on his face. "Thought you were hanging out with Taylor afterwards,"

"Nope I want you to come over after I drop off Taylor, Is that cool or do you just want to go home?," I asked now giving him the best inquisitive/sexy look I could sport.

"No thats cool I'll text her when I get back to the truck," Connor's eyes went back to the wall in front of him as a faint blush was painted across his cheeks.

First step accomplished.

_Group chat _

_Me - Moms Can Connor spend the night tonight?_

_ Momma Lena - I don't see why not_

_ Momma Stef - Thought you were going to be at Taylor's late tonight_

_ Me - Plans changed I'm going to drop her off and Connors going to meet me at the house If you both say it's cool and his Aunt says yes._

_ Momma Lena - Well its okay with us, when will you be home?_

_ Me - Just left the movies, got to drop off Taylor so about 30 or so minutes._

_ Momma Stef - Okay love, STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING love you see you when you get here. _

"So what do you want to do Monkey? The parental guardians are probably already asleep so we can do whatever you want," Taylor broke the silence as we drove I'd pretty much just been texting the whole time.

"Babe I'm tired, I'm probably just going to drop you off and head home, I think laying low this weekend would be a good idea since we surprisingly didn't get in any trouble other than a serious scolding from moms for last weekend," I never took my eyes off the road and I never looked her way to see her expression. I could hear a sigh escape her lips.

"Thats cool babe, so am I going to see you at all this weekend," She asked softly with a tone that sounded indifferent but I knew the truth, she was disappointed and I knew she wanted to spend some one on one time with me. But If she wanted to spend one on one time with me why did she even make these plans and invite Connor in the first place?

_Blow off Connor, Stay with Taylor till she feels better_

"Probably not monkey, I'm thinking video games and mowing the lawn is what's in store for my weekend," I replied with a laugh trying to brush off the voice in the back of my head. Hold on to that feeling, remember the warmth.

"Thats cool I'll just see if the girls from the team are doing anything and if I need to get any extra practice in," Taylor was always quick to change how she responded to things but damn that was fast.

We sat in silence for the remainder of the ride to her place, just let music fill in the silence.

I pulled in, and we sat there for a minute in complete silence before Taylor started making her way out the door. " Hey I love you babe, don't be mad,"

"I'm not mad monkey, and I love you too, I'll see you Monday and text me," she leaned in and gave me a quick kiss before shutting the passenger door.

I hated lying to Taylor, and I hated keeping secrets from her. Which are two things I seemed to be doing a lot lately. It was eating me up inside especially since I knew she could tell something was up. She could always tell when something was up. But for me to figure everything out I needed it to be this way for now, for a little bit longer.

_Me - What did your Aunt say?_

_ Connor - Yeah she said it was cool. what did your moms say?_

_ Me - They said you could spend the night._

_ Me - Where you at? Meet me there I just left Taylors._

_ Connor - I'm about to pull into your neighborhood _

_ Me - Omw _

Connor was waiting for me leaning against his truck with his guitar case strapped to his side as I pulled into the driveway. How could he so easily pull off looking like a Hollister model with absolutely no effort just hanging out next to his beat up truck. He made his way to my car as I was getting out. "So why did you want me to spend the night?," Connor asked with a sly smirk smeared across his face.

"I'll tell you when we get inside," I needed him to be patient if what I had planned went the way I figured it was going to doing this outside didn't exactly seem appropriate.

Connor followed me through the front doors of the house.

"How was the movie?," Momma Lena asked sitting in the living room with Stef as we started making our way past them.

"It was okay though the other ones were better," I spoke slowing my pace but not exactly stopping either.

"Hey can we at least say Hi to Connor before you both go and hide in your room," Momma Stef words made me stop and reverse knowing there was no way getting around it.

"How are you both doing tonight," Connor chimed in with a little wave while standing in the middle of the doorway.

"It's nice to see you again Connor how has your first week at school been? I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you to much this past week,"

"It's been great, Its crazy being back at Anchor Beach but feels like i've never left,"

"Thats great to hear, Have you decided to join any sports or clubs?,"

"Well I'm in the middle of tryouts for the football team and I have high hopes. I've also checked out that glee club and think Its pretty cool I have an audition with them on Monday," Connor spoke with my moms so easily like he was some prodigal son who had finally returned. It was sweet.

"Thats good i'm sure you will get it, you are so talented,"

"I'm glad to hear you are doing so good Connor keep up the good work maybe you will rub off on Jude," Momma Stef added in with a quick laugh.

"Hey I am doing just fine, thank you very much," I propped my head over the side so I could give her a quick glare.

"I was kidding love, you boys go have fun and don't stay up to late," I took this as my invitation to leave. So I grabbed Connor by his shirt sleeve and started pulling him up the stairs with me.

"Love you," I shouted down the stairs while dragging Connor with me.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on or wha," Connor started before I cut him off with my lips planting against his. I needed to recapture that feeling before I said anything else. I needed to feel that warmth, that sense of security again and I got exactly what I asked for. The warmth of his lips pressed against my own sent spikes of heat circulating through every nook and cranny of my body.

"Don't say another word and let me speak," I broke our kiss and stared into his eyes with intensity while my hands still held there hold against his cheeks.

" Connor, I don't know exactly what my feelings for you are or what's going on between us. But what I do know is that I have this untameable desire to kiss you, to hold you, and to figure out exactly what this is. I can't spend another day thinking what if when it comes to you. I want to do this, I want to see what its like to be with you. But I'm not ready to end things with Taylor yet, not completely. I still need time to figure everything out. Will you be with me and wait for me at the same time? I know its a lot to ask Connor," I was cut off this time around by Connors lips crashing into me.

"I would wait for you till the end of time,"

We broke our kiss and it was as if the world around us faded away. I couldn't tell you why this kiss, this time was different but it was. These weren't kisses between children who were trying to test their sexuality. This wasn't a kiss taken by surprise. This wasn't a kiss that controlled your mind and body in the heat of passion.

This kiss, was a kiss between two people who finally opened their hearts to each other.

There was slight distance as we stood in front of each other. My hand shortened the gap as my thumb gently traced from Connors chin, up his jawline, and down his neck sliding across the curve of his adams apple. My fingers rested at the edge of his collar iching to rip apart the the buttons that were shielding his bare body from me.

With my left hand I reached for the radio that was near us to play some music, adding to the background noise that would begin to fade away as well.

Connor stood still nearly motionless as he watched my every move, biting his lower lip to remain in control. He was submitting himself to me, I was allowed to do with him whatever I pleased. This thought excited me in more ways then one. I stayed calm though instead of ripping apart his shirt right then and there like every cell in my body was demanding from me I took it slow. Following the music I released a button with every other beat. Connors chest released a breath with every button his heartbeat so rapid I could feel it through the buttons in his shirt. Once every button was finally released and his body finally exposed I let my fingers trail up the side of his abs, to his chest, and across his shoulders before helping him remove the rest of it from his body.

I remembered looking at his bare chest and abs the last time he was in my room. But I didn't remember actually looking at it. I noticed his perfectly defined abs, but what I didn't notice were the remnants of bruising that lingered across his rib cage. While I noticed his perfectly sculpted chest, I failed to lay my eyes upon the permanent discoloration in his skin right next to his collar bone, a faint near quarter size circle indent was all I could see for a moment. This boy, this beautiful boy has slightly healed bruising all over his body, a healed bullet wound near his shoulder, and still looked perfect.

I closed the distance between us once again with only my hand as the tip of my finger gently ran across his ribcage. Connor controlled the urge to recoil from my touch as I watched his stomach tighten. I proceeded to trail my finger up his body till I found my way up his chest. I rubbed my thumb across his healed wound and could feel my eyes stinging with the making of tears. "This will always be my favorite and least favorite scar,"

I began to close the distance between us my eyes locked with his, our noses a breath away from touching.

"This is the scar that symbolizes how much you care about me, while also being the scar that took you away from me,"

**Well there you go, Omg just picturing that last scene got me kind of heated up. I was thisclose to making it a full blown sex scene lol but that probably would have ruined it. I don't think I would be all that good writing smut I start blushing just writing all their intimate moments. And I know Jude is becoming a semi confusing character but it will all make since in a couple of chapters. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Its going to be a short chapter just a little morning after cuteness**

_Connors Pov_

_I found myself walking through the shadows, It was endless. I had no clue where I was going or where I was supposed to be. All I knew was that I just had to keep moving forward. _

_After what felt like a millennia, A door stood out into the distance. It was a familiar door that I knew I had to pass through if I was going to ever get to where I was supposed to be. The closer I got the more the fear began to settle in. Why was I scared? _

_I stood before the door hand reached out a mere couple of inches in front of the handle. Why did I have to go through this door? I could just stay here for eternity never having to see the other side. Curiosity soon overpowered the fear that was etched into my heart. _

_As I opened the door light shined through past the threshold it was nearly blinding. While my mind told me I had to walk through my body wouldn't move the fear had left me frozen in place. "you will only find darkness" _

_I couldn't stand it anymore I had to know what was on the other side. _

_So I walked through the door, swallowed by the light. _

_I was standing in the living room of my old house back in Nevada. What was I doing here? Oh right I just got out of school and Amber left to go hangout with her boyfriend right after band practice so I was coming home to work on a new song before dad got home. _

_I made my way to my bedroom when I noticed my door hanging wide open. _

"_Dad what are you doing?," I asked walking into my room to notice my bedroom completely destroyed. Clothes were pulled out all over the place along with paper here and there I knew Instantly came from my Journal. _

"_Connor," My dad spoke in a low growl. I could smell the alcohol seeping from his mouth from across the room. He was drunk and I was in trouble. _

"_What the fuck are you doing going through my stuff, tearing apart my room," Anger filled my voice in a desperate attempt to strike some form of fear into the older man. My attempt failed and only seemed to piss him off even more. _

"_Don't you dare speak to me with that tone of voice," Dad was up from my bed to in front of my face in a matter of seconds. Shaking with anger the smell of alcohol seeping from his pores only got worse when up close and personal. _

"_What is this crap," He demanded shoving what was left of my journal in my face. _

"_Its my song book, you know this," I stood tall against him trying my best to show no signs of fear like you would a raging animal. _

"_Thats not all that's in here, you little fucking brat," He slurred his words as he yelled spit flying all over my face. _

"_Tell me what you found Dad, tell me what's got you so pissed off," I spoke to him wiping his disgusting saliva off my face. This remark got me nowhere as I received a sharp pain against my cheek sending my face flying to the left. The mother fucker just back handed me! Just back handed his own son. _

"_You've been writing about that fucking boy again, I know all these gay ass songs are about that fucking fag," he screamed looking down at me. _

"_I told you Connor! I told you I wouldn't have a homo for a son! If moving you and getting you away from that damn disease you call a friend didn't fix the problem," He paused taking a breath as he stared down at me. A wicked smile creeped across his face. Fear and panic began to form as I knew this wasn't going to end with just a slap to the face. I started to crawl towards the door with a desperate need to escape. _

"_If that didn't fix the problem I guess beating the gay out of you might help," These were the last words I heard. A sinister voice full of malice laughing before he striked. The sick fucker was going to enjoy this. _

_I only made it half a foot before the first kick landed striking my ribcage. All I heard was the crack before finding myself flipped on my back by the force of the hit. _

"_Dad! Stop! I'm Sorry!," My screamed were muffled between shrieks of pain but my desperate cries never made it to his ears before the next kick made its way to my kidney. Tears flooded my eyes and all I could muster were desperate cries. Dad continued his assault until the pain finally took control and everything faded to black. _

I awoke covered in sweat panting, Tears had formed and were making streaks down my face as I sat up trying to grasp my surroundings. I looked around and instantly knew where I was. I was in Judes room back in Anchor Beach not back in Nevada. Relief flowed through allowing me to catch my breath and slow my racing pulse. "I fucking hate that dream," I spoke under my breath as I rubbed the sweat and tears off my face.

I looked over to see Judes resting face laying peacefully against his pillow. The thoughts of the nightmare completely escaped my mind as I bore witness to true beauty right in front of my eyes. Light poured through the cracks in the window and swam across his face, he laid with only his waist covered revealing every inch of his smooth tightly defined body. Granted Jude could use a little more sun his pale white skin was flawless almost sparkling in the morning light. _Good morning beautiful. _

That thought gave me an idea. I knew the perfect way to wake up Jude this morning other than re enacting the events of last night.

I scooted off the bed slowly not fast enough to completely wake him, but just enough to stir his slumber. I got up adjusting myself in my boxers and moved towards where my guitar case had been placed. Undoing the latches I made sure to make just enough noise to bring Jude out of a deep sleep.

Sitting down at the computer desk chair I propped my leg up with guitar in hand and started playing. I didn't start singing until I noticed Jude open an eye to see what I was doing.

_Good morning, beautiful, how was your night?_

_Mine was wonderful with you by my side_

_And when I open my eyes to see your sweet face_

_It's a good morning, beautiful day_

_I couldn't see the light, I didn't know day from night_

_I had no reason to care_

_Well, since you've came along, I can face the dawn_

_'Cause I know, you'll be there_

Jude was fully awake at the point, I couldn't help but smile while playing watching him prop his sleepy head up so he could pay attention better.

_Good morning, beautiful, how was your night?_

_Mine was wonderful with you by my side_

_And when I open my eyes to see your sweet face_

_It's a good morning, beautiful day_

_I never worry if it's raining outside_

_'Cause in here with you, boy, the sun always shines_

_Good morning, beautiful, how was your night?_

_Mine was wonderful with you by my side_

_And when I open my eyes to see your sweet face_

_It's a good morning, beautiful day_

_Hmm, good morning, beautiful day_

_Hmm, it's a beautiful day_

_(Good morning beautiful, good morning beautiful)_

_Good morning, what a beautiful day_

_(Good morning beautiful, good morning beautiful)_

"Don't tell me that you just wrote that? How long have you been up," Jude asked looking up at me as I finished. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Ha I can't take credit for this one, that was Good Morning Beautiful by Steve Holy," I responded sitting my guitar down against the table.

"Well either way you're hired. You can wake me up every morning with that song for the rest of my life," Jude response was priceless while yawning and stretching. I couldn't help but swell with pride. _Mission Accomplished. _

"Deal,"

"Okay well you woke me up, but I don't want to get up just yet, come here and lay with me," Jude pleaded in between yawns while lifting the blanket and patting the spot where my presence was currently required. He didn't need to tell me twice.

I jumped into bed and nuzzled my chest against Judes back while wrapping my arm around his waist. "If we could just stay here like this for the rest of our lives I think I could be happy," I whispered into his ear as I rested my forehead against the back of his head and took in the scent that was Jude.

"I don't even want to think about getting up, We can stay like this for as long as time will let us," Jude spoke in a whisper so quiet that I almost didn't hear it. I didn't know what he meant by time but I hoped it meant for eternity. I knew he was having issues with all this. Wanting to do right with Taylor but also wanting to pursue the feeling he was having for me. I told him I would wait, but that didn't mean that was all I was going to do. I was going to fight for Jude, for this moment right here. Jude has always been mine we were meant to be, he just needs to figure that out as well.

I will fight for the real Jude till the day I die. I saw a glimpse of him last night but I have a feeling it was going to end up being harder than I would like to get to him.

**Hmm what is Connor talking about the real Jude? Well you are just going to have to wait and see warning next chapter isn't going to be nearly as fluffy when shit starts hitting the fan**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the long wait on a update. Lifes been pretty hectic been sick and every time i'd sit down and write I'd have to get right back up to go do some bull lol**

**Btw look up alex goot "Real You" and play it when Connor starts to play for Jude **

**About 2 months later**

_Jude's Pov _

I felt like a double agent, some kind of secret spy living two separate lives walking down these nearly empty halls. I was on my way to go meet up with Connor after his practice with the glee club.

Life was perfect for what I could see.

How could life not be perfect? After a week of dreadful training and practices we finally had the five day long tryouts to determine who was going to be starting for the beginning of the season. After busting my ass and showing the coaches everything I had I was finally rewarded.

I made varsity as starting shortstop!

` I was the youngest starting player in Anchor Beach history as a sophomore. This was a awe inspiring honor and privilege. But I wasn't the only one living in the spotlight at Anchor Beach.

Connor was now the superstar of the football team.

Connor in his first couple of weeks back as Anchor Beach was known for a good couple of things. Connor was known as the kid who got shot and lived. A title given to him by students who had known him way back when, up until he left after the shooting. This wasn't something he had appreciated being a topic for discussion but regardless was something he couldn't control and was something that spit started his popularity with the masses.

In Connors first couple of weeks regardless of his current reputation didn't pay attention to it all that much. He soon became the school's youngest starting running back for the football team. It was crazy he was the talk of the school for weeks.

Connor the boy that lived (awful Harry Potter reference by the way!) and then star football player within weeks. All the girls wanted to date him (Daria as well even after the fact that he humiliated her) and most of the guys wanted to be him.

This didn't mean anything to Connor though. He was just doing what he's always been good at, he was just being himself. Connor has always been a natural athlete and good at what ever he put his mind to. Things like popularity and slight fame meant nothing to him, which was a trait I found admirable since all I have been trying to do as of late was boost myself in the popularity scale.

Connor wasn't only a star player in his first couple of weeks either. He took up momma Lena's advice on joining Anchor Beach's new glee club. I think they call themselves The Anchors. Either way he instantly became the star of the group.

Connor and I weren't the only ones hit with a splash of teen stardom by our own high school. I mean we live in California being the most popular in high school was almost like being famous right?

Taylor's dance team was the most wanted in female group at school.

Taylor was announced head queen of her dance team. Which basically meant she was in charge of keeping order and had the final say on who got on the team and what not. It was funny to think that Mariana had started this team because a rival dance team on campus had to many rules and was way to stuck up, but over time this team had been the same exact way. Granted Taylor was in charge now and she wasn't a ruthless bitch.

I sat in on tryouts with Taylor since I hadn't had practice that evening.

I just have to say there were way to many girls at the school trying out for this club and Taylors peers on the team were ruthless in saying how they felt about the other girls.

Regardless of the situations in all of our lives I couldn't help but think that everything was perfect, that nothing could go wrong.

Publicly Taylor and I were the It couple in our grade. We were looking at being crowned Prince and Princess in the next formal dance that was vastly approaching. Senior couples were always crowned King and Queen but lower grades had the chance to have their titles as well. It was pretty cool but at the same time I didn't care all that much. there was a part of me that knew I would rather dance that final song with Connor not Taylor.

While being with Taylor publicly I was seeing Connor every chance I could get behind the scenes.

I could easily feel the tension growing in both relationships.

Taylor could tell that I was hiding something from her I knew it, but she never pried and acted as if everything was normal. She was acting differently as well though. I could see it in her eyes, Taylor was keeping something from me as well. We were both titled to our own secrets and I wasn't about to play the part of jealous boyfriend.

Connor on the other hand I could see was struggling. He showed and told me exactly how he felt every chance he got. He wanted me so bad that it was earth shattering and I knew it, but a part of me would never let myself completely reciprocate the way he wanted me to. I had everything I could ask for at the moment. My position on the team, My popularity with Taylor by my side to back it, and my secret relationship with Connor. Life was perfect so why do anything to mess it all up?

"What are you still doing here Jude?," Momma Lena broke me from my train of thought as I made my way down the hall.

"I'm waiting for Connor to get done with his glee thing so we can hangout after school," I shot her a reassuring smile not skipping a beat.

"Okay, will Connor be joining us for dinner?,"

"No, I don't think so we might end up eating at his Aunts," I replied with a simple response I had no clue what our plans for the evening were. I just knew that I wanted Connors lips on mine as soon as possible.

"Okay sweetie, well either let me or Mom know what your plans are for the evening. I have a couple of things to do before heading home so I will be here for a little while,"

"Okay Momma, I'll let you know what the plan as soon as I know. Love you," I started making my way towards the choir room before she could say another word. If my timing was right Connors glee group should be getting done just about now and I was about to have him for myself.

I stood by the door of the choir room peering in occasionally to see who was finishing up their performances in front of the group. As soon as the student was done I think his name was Jacob or Nicholas I couldn't be certain they all started to break apart and exit the room.

I nodded and smiled to my passing peers as they exited the room passing me on their way homes. As soon as I knew the ghost was clear and Connor was in the Choir room alone I made my entrance.

Connor was standing next to the piano looking down at his phone.

Connor looked gorgeous per usual he wore a striped v neck that rested comfortably tight against his rippling muscles. Had he gotten buffer since school started? I almost couldn't control myself as I walked up to him. I had to have him and I had to have him now.

"Hey babe," I spoke softly as the distance between us quickly disappeared and he pulled his attention from his phone up to meet my gaze.

"Hey," Connor's words were stiff and impartial but I payed no mind.

I closed the distance between us the instant I knew that no one could possibly be near us to see us. Connor dodged my first kiss so that it landed on his cheek. Dodged my second and third attempts as well.

"Jude, stop I can't do this," Connor looked away with discomfort in his voice.

Was perfect about to end?

_Connor's Pov_

As soon as Rick finished his rendition of Who I Am by Nick Jonas everybody started quickly making their way out of the Choir Room. I waited standing next to the piano knowing that Jude would soon be making his way in as soon as he knew nobody would be present besides myself. I stood there with phone in hand trying to fuel my resolve.

"Hey babe," Judes words hung in the air, I guess this meant the ghost was clear.

"Hey," I responded just to let him know his presence was known, and to hopefully let him know I wasn't in any kind of good mood.

Jude obviously didn't pick up what I was putting down. He quickly shortened the distance between us following his usual greeting when meeting up out of the open. It took every fiber of my being to dodge his initial assault so that his lips would smash awkwardly against my left cheek. the feeling of his touch always left an imprint against my skin especially when it came from his lips. I could feel his touch linger on me for hours even after he was gone. I dodged the next two attempts that followed.

"Jude, stop I can't do this," I could see the confusion as I stepped away from his embrace.

"What's wrong Connor," Judes face flooded with confusion and concern as he stared at me. His chocolate brown eyes were intense and longing. If I wasn't careful I would get caught up in those eyes.

"We need to talk, but I don't know exactly what I want to or what I'm trying to say,"

"Okay," I knew what he was thinking, We need to talk were the four most terrifying words in a relationship. I only hoped that he would take this as serious as it should be and not try to bypass what I say with his body like he usually does. Anytime I tried to talk about what we were he would end the conversation as swiftly as it would start.

"Jude, you know I'm not good with words like you are, just listen to what i'm trying to say through this song. Okay?," He just nodded at me now more intrigued than confused at this point. I moved to sit in front of the piano.

"I didn't know you knew how to play the piano," Jude had a grin that swept across his face forgetting that he was obviously in trouble.

"You never asked, I knew you always loved to hear Brandon play when we were kids so besides the guitar this was the one instrument I desired to learn the most," I spoke softly trying to hide my smile from his instant reaction. Quickly composing myself I began to play.

_I wish the music would carry me away_

_'cause I don't wanna be stuck down here_

_And I wonder what I did this time_

_Could I be so cavalier?_

_You know the lyrics and I know the melody_

_So sing along, we'll write a song about you_

_Don't have to wonder if you feel the same_

_'cause I know that you do_

I never let my gaze leave Judes, I sang to him with every ounce of strength I had, I poured every last emotion into this.

_'Cause I need this now_  
_You need this too_

_Why should we wait on anything at all_  
_The way the light swims across your face_  
_How could I dream of anything, but the real you_  
_Yeah the real you oh_

_Could it be that we met at the wrong time_  
_How am I supposed to live with that_  
_Always feeling like around the corner_  
_He's gonna come back Yeah_

_'Cause I need you_  
_Don't you feel it too_

_Why should we wait on anything at all_  
_The way the light swims across your face_  
_How could I dream of anything, but the real you_  
_Yeah the real you oh_

_Know it's taking my pride yeah_  
_And now I'm frantic inside yeah_  
_And what if we met at the wrong time_  
_What if we met at the wrong time yeah_

_You know it's taking my pride_  
_And now I'm frantic inside_  
_I know that I can't get over it_  
_And what if we met at the wrong time yeah_

_You know it's taking my pride_  
_And now I'm frantic inside_  
_I know that I can't get over you_  
_I know that my dreams will never do_  
_'Cause I just need the real you_

_The real you yeah_  
_The real you ohh_  
_The real you_  
_The real you yeah_  
_('Cause I just need the real you)_  
_The real you ohh_  
_The real you_  
_('Cause I just need the real you)_  
_The real you_  
_The real you_

I let the music fade into silence through my fingertips.

"Connor," Jude released a deep sigh as he stood there refusing to meet my eyes trying to grasp for exactly what to say.

So I decided to speak for him holding on to my own resolve "Jude, I can't do this anymore. I love you but I can't sneak around anymore. I'm done sneaking around in the shadows with you while you're with Taylor in the light,"

I could see the anger creep across his brow. This wasn't going to go exactly how I had planned it to.

"Thats not fair Connor you told me you would wait till I was ready," His voice began to raise as I moved to stand in front of him. My resolve barely hanging on as I stood in front of him. How could he be so appealing to the eye even when i'm angry at him?

"Jude, It's been almost two months we've been doing this," I paused holding my breath trying to calm my emotions. I didn't want to fight with Jude I just wanted him to hear me out and take in how I felt.

"Connor I know, but everything is going so good right now, so good for the both of us why complicate things," His voice changed in an instant, from anger to sincerity. His words were soothing dancing in the air around me as I began to fall into his excuses and pleads.

My resolve was slowly slipping away.

His voice was so compelling it felt as if I was being put under a spell.

Rage began to burn inside of me. I was not falling for this again! Every time I try to talk to him about how I feel, or about going public with our relationship it's like he puts me into a trance and I can't help but comply to his every wish.

"No Jude, I'm done with the excuses. I don't know if you're trying to punish me for what happened between us two years ago. For me dating daria and trying to be with you at the same time. But I'm done playing these games with you,"

"Connor, I'm not punishing you for what happened between us. I can't come out right now I have to much to lose, and what did you mean in the song all you need is the real me? I'm standing right in front of you Connor,"

"Way to try and change the subject, but while we're on the topic Jude. The person standing in front of me isn't the Jude I fell in love with."

"Well then who exactly am I?," Jude instantly became cold and serious. Anger wiped from his eyes, replaced only by curiosity and a slight case of amusement.

"You told me that after I left you held on to a part of me. That you incorporated a part of my into your life,"

"So what does that have to do with anything? I took up baseball so what I ended up being pretty good at it,"

"Thats not it Jude, I think you took in more than you thought. That you changed a part of yourself to fit who you thought I was," We stood in silence as I finished my explanation. Even though I knew it sounded crazy especially saying it aloud but I came to this conclusion a while ago and I knew I was right.

"I don't know what you're talking about but you sound crazy you know that," Jude easily just brushed off everything I just said with a laugh.

"I'm serious Jude, I am not just trying to make a joke here," I was nearly pleading for him to listen, truly listen at this point.

"Its kind of narcissistic don't you think? I know I did take up a couple of your interest and hobbies but to think I completely molded my life after you is ridiculous,"

"Narcissistic or not I know I'm right and I'm done Jude. You need to figure out what you want. Me or Taylor," I was done I said what I needed to say.

I started to make my way past Jude to exit the room determined to not look back when he grabbed my wrist.

"Connor, wait can't we talk about this?,"

Jude's eyes were pleading. I knew I caught him off guard and I knew that I was being slightly unreasonable dropping all of this on him. But at the same time I knew this is what had to be done. For him and for me. I couldn't handle watching him with Taylor in public even though she was a friend. I was jealous of her but I also felt awful knowing that the moment she found out it would break her heart.

"Jude you have been stuck in the shadow of who I was, while I've been blinded by who you were," I ripped myself free from his grip while rapidly turning to leave. I couldn't face him after what I had just said. I couldn't bear to see the potential hurt in his eyes while refusing to let him see mine.

* * *

**Been suffering from the worst case of writer's block this chapter could have been better but was as far as I could take it this past week. But be sure this next chapter will clear up everything thats going on with Jude. **

**I'm going to try and post a chapter at least once a week. **

**I've been trying to read a lot more first person style novels and grasp how to describe other people and events better knowing this is the way i'm most likely going to write my first actual book.**

**let me know how it was remember reviews keep me motivated and inspired.**


End file.
